Last Monday was a very bad day... it was like Mercury opened a can of retrograde whoopass on me. Today was pretty much the opposite... for a bunch of reasons.
Though I only had a short visit back home to Missouri, it was just what I needed to recharge my mental and spiritual batteries. Spending time with all my kids and my wonderful husband allowed me to touch base and put everything in perspective. Though this transition is hard, it is what Mark and I want, it is laying the foundation for our future, together.
I realized that though I miss my family, I am better off here, moving our lives forward and that I could not live there anymore. I was better able to enjoy everyone on a short visit. I had a really great time. Especially with Miss K. That little girl and I had the best time... reading Stop That Pickle, playing with her wolf toy, her helping me pack, washing hands and all kinds of things that fascinated her...
I also got to visit with my dear Jasmine, that was priceless.
It was wonderful going back to "Cheers"...
Part of me was saying that I didn't want to come back, but then I spent the time with Jasmine and realized exactly why I'd left and how much I had to look forward to by coming back.
So I cried a bit when Mark left me in Kansas City, but when I saw the lights of Seattle spread out below me as the plane was bumpily landing, I felt my heart beat faster and my excitement rose... I was glad to be back in my new home.
I'm still anxious for Mark to get out her permanently... but I will be okay. I will continue to do my best in my dream job. And Mark and Alan will be here in just 19 days...
Happy.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Faking it and not sure I'm making it.
I feel like such a fraud here. I feel like I am running so far, so hard, so fast to fit in and do everything I need to do.. .and yet I keep making mistakes. Just as I start feeling solid and confident, then I trip up and have to work to re-earn the solidity that I had previously earned. Today was horrible. I felt like Mercury opened up a can of nuclear retrograde whoop ass on me.
One mistake was small, really, but the problem I was thinking out-loud and looked like I was stumbling, when I was actually just thinking out loud... but it LOOKED bad and perception can be your worst enemy sometimes.... and so I had to fight back to gain a pinch of credibility back in the eyes of my supervisor. So that started my day. I guess the rest wasn't all that bad... but it just colored the rest of the day. So the rest of the day kind of went along feeling like the wheels were falling off the jalopy again... right after I'd gotten them duct-taped on last week.
I just feel like I'm on this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back learning curve here... some days 3 or 4 steps back.
I need my support system here, just the arms that could hold me and the shoulder to rust my head on.
I feel like a fraud and failure and I am so terrified that I am going to screw up this amazing opportunity to work in one of the most cutting edge health departments in the country.
But I know that I have to move out of the fear and panic mode, or I will become my own worst enemy and self fulfilling prophecy. Everything was so easy and so normal in Missouri... why is everything so hard here.
Having the train stop and then having to locate a whole different way home this evening didn't help either. I laughed on the surface while holding back tears of frustration to my day. And then when I got home, there was a note from the cable company saying they had come by to pick up my equipment... but that was for the guy who moved out 2 months ago... the same guy who didn't pay his electric bill and got me shut off the other week. Armando, I don't think I like you very much.
When I come through the other side of this process I will be fine, but the right now is kind of sucking.
I think I kind of took what I had going for me for granted. But those situations took years to build into what they were. It's just sucking to have to go through that all over again.
But there were so many reasons why I couldn't have stayed either.
And I have to keep pulling out the truth that I am qualified for this position, I am smart, I can learn this. I just have to persevere. I just want it now... I really hate picking gravel out of my ass.
My short trip home is going to be whirlwind crazy, but I think I need it.
One mistake was small, really, but the problem I was thinking out-loud and looked like I was stumbling, when I was actually just thinking out loud... but it LOOKED bad and perception can be your worst enemy sometimes.... and so I had to fight back to gain a pinch of credibility back in the eyes of my supervisor. So that started my day. I guess the rest wasn't all that bad... but it just colored the rest of the day. So the rest of the day kind of went along feeling like the wheels were falling off the jalopy again... right after I'd gotten them duct-taped on last week.
I just feel like I'm on this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back learning curve here... some days 3 or 4 steps back.
I need my support system here, just the arms that could hold me and the shoulder to rust my head on.
I feel like a fraud and failure and I am so terrified that I am going to screw up this amazing opportunity to work in one of the most cutting edge health departments in the country.
But I know that I have to move out of the fear and panic mode, or I will become my own worst enemy and self fulfilling prophecy. Everything was so easy and so normal in Missouri... why is everything so hard here.
Having the train stop and then having to locate a whole different way home this evening didn't help either. I laughed on the surface while holding back tears of frustration to my day. And then when I got home, there was a note from the cable company saying they had come by to pick up my equipment... but that was for the guy who moved out 2 months ago... the same guy who didn't pay his electric bill and got me shut off the other week. Armando, I don't think I like you very much.
When I come through the other side of this process I will be fine, but the right now is kind of sucking.
I think I kind of took what I had going for me for granted. But those situations took years to build into what they were. It's just sucking to have to go through that all over again.
But there were so many reasons why I couldn't have stayed either.
And I have to keep pulling out the truth that I am qualified for this position, I am smart, I can learn this. I just have to persevere. I just want it now... I really hate picking gravel out of my ass.
My short trip home is going to be whirlwind crazy, but I think I need it.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
My belated first week reflections...
It's funny, but I have come to a realization that I have been a Leftcoaster stuck in a Missourian's body for awhile now. I've always been on the liberal side of the fence politically, but I think 5 years of living in Europe only intensified that.
Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do
Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home. Something just had to give. I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others. I felt cramped and confined and invaded. I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.
So now I have come to Seattle. I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work. Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc. I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks. But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow. Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood. Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people. And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line. Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.
It is a different world up here and a much different life. I am in no way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together. It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.
I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks. Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here. Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy. And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee. There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in. They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip. (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)
I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon. This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.
Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian. Good Pho place too! I loves me some noodle soup!! I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff. I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).
There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal. I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too. James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref. So it's huge.
At work, I am already finding that they are fun people. From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people. My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement. By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday. I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.
Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun. It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!
So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged. So yeah... busy. Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.
I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.
MAKE IT AWESOMER!!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Seattle, the first week plus a couple...
It's funny, but I have come to a realization that I have been a Leftcoaster stuck in a Missourian's body for awhile now. I've always been on the liberal side of the fence politically, but I think 5 years of living in Europe only intensified that.
Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do
Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home. Something just had to give. I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others. I felt cramped and confined and invaded. I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.
So now I have come to Seattle. I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work. Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc. I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks. But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow. Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood. Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people. And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line. Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.
It is a different world up here and a much different life. I am in no way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together. It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.
I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks. Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here. Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy. And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee. There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in. They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip. (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)
I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon. This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.
Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian. Good Pho place too! I loves me some noodle soup!! I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff. I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).
There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal. I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too. James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref. So it's huge.
At work, I am already finding that they are fun people. From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people. My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement. By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday. I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.
Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun. It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department's catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!
So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged. So yeah... busy. Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.
I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.
MAKE IT AWESOMER!!
Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do
Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home. Something just had to give. I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others. I felt cramped and confined and invaded. I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.
So now I have come to Seattle. I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work. Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc. I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks. But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow. Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood. Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people. And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line. Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.
It is a different world up here and a much different life. I am in no way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together. It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.
I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks. Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here. Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy. And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee. There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in. They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip. (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)
I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon. This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.
Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian. Good Pho place too! I loves me some noodle soup!! I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff. I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).
There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal. I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too. James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref. So it's huge.
At work, I am already finding that they are fun people. From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people. My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement. By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday. I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.
Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun. It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department's catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!
So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged. So yeah... busy. Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.
I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.
MAKE IT AWESOMER!!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Seattle or Bust... 2000 insane miles in 4 days!
Let's just call this take 2. Urgh. Had a lot written and lost it since I'd not saved it. Grump.
Mostly I have just been trying to wrap my mind around the changes that have already happened and are continuing to happen around this huge transition in my life, on this, my 2nd full day in Seattle.
I feel like so many blessings are flowing my way right now... this amazing new job opportunity, my friends so kindly giving me a place to stay until my apartment is ready on the 26th, the smoothness of the trip... it has been an amazing process so far.
My first day in Seattle, yesterday, found me venturing out to IKEA, Trader Joe's, QFC (which is one of the incarnations of Kroger out here), and a park to go for a run in. Today I'm just kind of staying in, not doing much, but considering a trial walk to the transit station just so I am sure I'm in the right place in the morning... also for timings.
There are certain times in life when it just feels like things are "meant to be"... I tend to be a skeptic most of the time, but there are other times when I'm not and that non-skeptic side kind of comes out when I look at this whole process and how fast the changes have happened.
When I first found the job listing for Hillsboro, Oregon and put in the application, I had a feeling rather like getting on a moving train. There was no rhyme or reason for it, it just was. My gut also said that putting all my eggs in one basket wasn’t a good idea and I’m so glad that I listened to it. Because though I was an excellent candidate for the Oregon job, there wasn’t any evidence that I would get that job. So I looked at Seattle/King County and found several public health nursing positions open that I felt I could do. The funny thing is that the job I got wasn’t yet listed on their site… and yet they called me the very next day to verify some info and timetable kind of stuff with me.
Throughout it all, Seattle/King County has been wonderful and responsive, whereas the Oregon people were mostly meh… even to the point of them not responding to my e-mail to inform them that I had found another job and getting my “thanks, but no thanks” e-mail from them on my last day at Callaway County. I think the rapport that I felt after the Seattle interview was genuine and the “meh” I felt after the Oregon interview was equally genuine. I am coming to a great place, I just feel that in my gut… but they will have some mighty big shoes to fill after my family at Callaway.
I am also glad to be out of the living situation in Columbia, I was really getting to the end of my rope living with my daughter and her husband, and they were probably getting there with me, to be fair. Ever since I came back from Texas last year, it has felt like I have had to squeeze my feet into shoes that fit when I was 12 and have had to walk on eggshells at the same time. I was going to go crazy and take someone with me. I love them, but I really can’t live with them. I do regret leaving my husband and son… especially since it is my son’s senior year. But I plan to fly back for his graduation and departure for the Air Force in May. The good news is that they will be coming out to visit me at Christmas and Spring Break… I am already looking forward to that.
The drive out was an interesting test of endurance… covering nearly 500 miles on 3 of the 4 days and almost 600 on one of them. This was with my hip bursitis deciding to really flare up and be lots of fun. So after the first days, I just slowed down and took more breaks, even to the point that my 577 mile day between Gillette, Wyoming and Missoula, Montana was almost the easiest of the 4.
Driving across country like that brought back distant memories of a family vacation to points as far west as Yellowstone when I was maybe 6 or 7. It also gave me a lot of quiet time to just go with the flow and let my mind wander. I also saw some interesting things just from the interstate and beautiful things too. I-90 isn’t quite your average interstate going through the Rockies…. it is amazingly beautiful.
Northern MO on I-29 was pretty boring… I had lunch in St Joseph and took off. I was kind of surprised by some big hills up there, though. IIRC, I crossed over into Iowa about 1330 on day one… about the most interesting thing in Iowa was a sign for “Stoner Drug”... apparently it’s a small chain of drug stores in NW Missouri and Iowa. I’m not sure I’d want to buy my drugs from a stoner. I slipped into South Dakota few hours later without even noticing… until I saw that the mile markers had changed. I stopped for the night in Sioux Falls SD.
So, most of Wednesday was spent in South Dakota. I have to say that South Dakota is proud of a few big things… Wall Drug!!!... or at least the owners of the place want you to know all about it, over and over and over and over… I didn’t stop there in protest, but then wished I had since SD decided to close both of the last rest stops in the state. They also are big on Mt Rushmore… and a little bit big on Sturgis and Laura Ingalls Wilder. I REALLY wanted to go to DeSmet to see the Laura Ingalls Wilder stuff, but due to time constraints, I really didn’t have the time to do a 55 mile side jaunt EACH WAY. Why Pa had to settle so far from the interstate is beyond me. South Dakota was truly high plains and I think I saw some sloughs like L.I.W. mentions in her books. The west side of the state had also been hit with blizzards and snow accumulations of 3-4 feet the previous Friday (4th October), so I got to see dead cows by the side of the interstate… creepy. But you could still see where the snow had drifted over the fences and the cows had just walked right on over… you could also see where the drifts had been across the highway but had the middle of the drift plowed away. My relief stop finally came once I got into Wyoming at their beautiful welcome center, which I think was placed strategically for scenic impact. They were lovely folks and gave me a place to finally stretch and empty my tanks. That night ended in Gillette, Wyoming… a little town of no consequence, so far as I could see. Natives would prolly disagree, but what I saw just passing through wasn’t particularly impressive.
Thursday was Wyoming/Montana day… my longest with a drive of nearly 600 miles. Since the bursitis in my hips had really been bothering me (as in shooting pains down my legs), I was determined to stop as much as I needed to and take my time. It was, ironically, my easiest day’s driving. Just the beauty of the Rockies made me just want to stop and take pictures about every 2-3 miles, but I kept on trucking until I made it safely to Missoula, Montana… which is apparently the Columbia/Austin of Montana. Funny that… you don’t picture a liberal/crunchy/funky place in Montana.
Friday started in Missoula and ended in Seattle at long last. I was ready to be off the road by the time I got here… oy. The changing of scenery and climates crossing Washington was fascinating… there were at times: Texas scrub, South Dakota plains, Arizona desert, more mountains, Missouri farmland… and it goes rather quickly from one to the next as you buzz by. Really interesting state… of course I’m living in the rain forest on the west side of the Cascades… and I’m okay with that.
I stopped by the apartment complex where I will be living and got some needed information and then trucked up to James & Liz’ place… fed the cats and got settled in a little, then collapsed, exhausted and muddy in the guest bed… well, maybe not muddy, but exhausted.
Today I took my dry run down to the bus station so I know where I’m going in the morning. I have Maxine’s back seat unloaded… impressive pile of stuff Markle got in there. The trunk will not be unloaded until I get into my apartment next week. I have my clothes laid out for morning. I will miss my afternoon nap. I think I'm going to prepack my lunch, so I can just grab it and go in the morning. I did buy myself a lunch box and containers for it for work at IKEA… it was a good thing I went or else I’d have been lost for what to eat. I also got groceries.
But that is the synopsis of my great Seattle or Bust trek...
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Winding it down here...
I have a lot of emotions rolling around right now, the problem is they are harder to tease out individually because they are so tangled up. It's kind of like a disco ball, I catch glimpses of one and then another but can't catch a firm hold on any of them. It creates a sort of uncomfortable sense of not feeling and one emotion in depth, while feeling everything a little bit. It allows me a calm veneer over a surreal internal shallowness.
I feel very deeply about this whole move, but feel unable to express it. I guess it is helpful because I am able to get things done for the move efficiently without getting mired down in the emotional swamp. I am sure I will cry once I'm on the road, but right now I jut can't go there.
I can't believe that I'm down to less than a week. The physical signs of the move are there, but not a lot looks hugely different at this point. Having the dumpster was something and getting rid of ... 1.8 tons of crap... yes nearly 2 tons... was amazing. Yesterday we hauled off boxes of books to Half Price Books in Independence. Today I got all my favorite bedding into a space bag and the air sucked out of it.
Tomorrow will bring more wind down stuff... putting clothes into space bags. I have my bag packed for Archon mostly, and the one that will get me across the country. I need some provisions for the drive. I also will be getting Maxine her final maintenance and new tires. I also have her title and lien release certification.
I think I'm pretty much ready to get packed up and head out next Tuesday...
I feel very deeply about this whole move, but feel unable to express it. I guess it is helpful because I am able to get things done for the move efficiently without getting mired down in the emotional swamp. I am sure I will cry once I'm on the road, but right now I jut can't go there.
I can't believe that I'm down to less than a week. The physical signs of the move are there, but not a lot looks hugely different at this point. Having the dumpster was something and getting rid of ... 1.8 tons of crap... yes nearly 2 tons... was amazing. Yesterday we hauled off boxes of books to Half Price Books in Independence. Today I got all my favorite bedding into a space bag and the air sucked out of it.
Tomorrow will bring more wind down stuff... putting clothes into space bags. I have my bag packed for Archon mostly, and the one that will get me across the country. I need some provisions for the drive. I also will be getting Maxine her final maintenance and new tires. I also have her title and lien release certification.
I think I'm pretty much ready to get packed up and head out next Tuesday...
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Why...
Got my paperwork almost completely together for my first day of work... on October 14th. My hire letter and temporary practice license for Washington State are now in my hands, as is my ORCA (mass transit) card and just other little stuff. I guess you could say that I prefer to be prepared.
It's been weird adjusting to knowing that I'm NOT going to be here in 3 weeks, as a matter of fact, I will be in Missoula, Montana 3 weeks from tonight... arriving in Seattle the next afternoon, on my birthday.
I am getting a new job for my birthday... and a whole new life. In case it's not clear why I am making this change... I can honestly say that the reasons are many. I will miss many things, and not miss many others. It's a very mixed emotional bag right now for me. I have so many great friends that I want to miniaturize and pack in a box, then embiggen when I get there... but sadly a radical change is an equally radical thing.
In so many ways, I have gotten tired of the rut I feel like I have been in for many years. The mobilization with the Army to Texas woke something adventurous up in my soul, and a sense of freedom and independence, that was quashed when I got home... not by any person or anything in particular... more just by the natural circumstance of being expecting to step back into the exact role & slot that I filled before I left and changed. Not sure what I grew in TX... be it wings, stature, or both... but enough of me changed that going back to who I was before really became impossible.
The mobilization to Texas was really a profound experience for me. I had the time to build confidence in myself as a person. I found that I like me, quite a bit, and I like a challenge... and I had a year of them and met them head on. The Army isn't perfect, but has overall been very good to me. Then I came home to take on the XO position in my unit... again a challenge. I wouldn't seek these challenges if I didn't want them. And though I love my job at Callaway County in every way except the pay, it was a small box to try to fit myself back into... I have the best coworkers... the best boss... the best in so many ways... but it is time to move on.
I am also moving because of the weather, the extreme cold and extreme heat of the midwest has finally gotten too much for me. I have become a runner... and I love running outside, but the weather here limits me to a very small part of the year... the snippets of the now-nearly-nonexistent spring and fall that we experience and the few cool breaks we have in the rest of the year. I've never been a fan of the heat and humidity, but have always accepted it as part of life... but ever since I had that heat injury in 2007 on Hoover Dam, I have to be extra careful and certainly do not run if it's much over 70 degrees F. I'd rather run at 17 deg F... I've done it... with proper clothes, it really isn't as brutal as it sounds once you get going.
Politics is also driving me out of Missouri. The Missouri I grew up in was sensibly conservative with a very small "c". People made change when needed and not when it wasn't. At least that was my recollection. Mind you, I grew up in suburban St. Louis, the daughter of a union shop steward. So I was raised to understand the value of the tax dollar, but also that the little guys had to stick together to protect themselves from most companies... not all, but most. I was also taught that it was important to vote and stand up for what you believe in. Honestly, I am tired of working for peanuts, accepting with gratitude, a couple more nuts each year. I am excited about joining a union in my new job... I am proud of that. I wish Pop was still alive so I could tell him about it. The political turn to the stupid that Missouri has taken scares the hell out of me, honestly. Mark and I held on for a long time, not wanting to be beaten or to let the stupid win. We are finally waving the white flag and running like hell.
Of the things that I will miss in Missouri... the land. Maramec Springs is my heart, I go there about once a year just to fill my soul's battery. Columbia... the best big little town ever. It has been my home for 20 years, it is where we have raised our kids, but it is also a crucible. I have had the extra shit burned away and an essential truth remains in my soul... it's time to move on. Despite my love of the parks, the trails, the parks and so much of Missouri, it is time to move on... time to seek new vistas and adventures.
I will so miss my friends. I have managed to collect the best friends ever... walking with Jas, going shopping with Kimberly, doing fiber festivals with Renee, running with Kayla... and everyone else. And my coworkers who are extended family to me... damn guys, I have to break in a new batch... I wonder if they will appreciate the singing nurse in Seattle too?!
Then there is the mix of trepidation and excitement about my new job. I am sure I will do great, but there is always the little niggling doubt that fears I won't make it past my probationary 6 months and will have to crawl back to Missouri in disgrace. So for all the self confidence, there is always that little voice... and why it's there after excelling in a new field of nursing for a year with the Army at Ft Hood... even earning an Army Commendation Medal. It's just daunting to feel like I'm going from the Fulton, MO Little Leagues to the St. Louis Cardinals in one swell foop. But I will be one member of a team... a team that I have already been welcomed to... so the caseload may be 10 times what I'm used to, but I will have amazing resources that I've not had here, and I won't be alone. So I really do feel like I'm leaving home to go home.
The trip up to Portland & Seattle in April was wonderful. I really liked the people and the place, it felt good. It felt right... and this whole job process has felt so "meant". The skeptical side of me wants to "poo poo" it, but it's just gone with amazing ease... which of course makes me look for the other shoe... but I think the other shoe must have been the other job I applied for in Oregon. Everything for the Seattle job has been downright slick, whereas the Oregon job has been just glitched. It's funny but Mark and I both felt like Oregon was gonna be it... but Seattle said, "Ummmm NO! You are coming HERE!" It's like the Oregon job made me look at the possibilities but I was supposed to get the Seattle job. Even the nursing license process reflects this... my fingerprints have been twice rejected by Oregon, while they seem to be fine so far in Washington, and the latter will grant you a temp license while the background check is completed. So I can go up there and get everything squared away. Not that I'm worried since the Army gave me a clearance and my worst infraction was a speeding ticket in 2009 in Jefferson City... so yeah, I'm a dangerous criminal there.
I am getting a new job for my birthday... and a whole new life. In case it's not clear why I am making this change... I can honestly say that the reasons are many. I will miss many things, and not miss many others. It's a very mixed emotional bag right now for me. I have so many great friends that I want to miniaturize and pack in a box, then embiggen when I get there... but sadly a radical change is an equally radical thing.
In so many ways, I have gotten tired of the rut I feel like I have been in for many years. The mobilization with the Army to Texas woke something adventurous up in my soul, and a sense of freedom and independence, that was quashed when I got home... not by any person or anything in particular... more just by the natural circumstance of being expecting to step back into the exact role & slot that I filled before I left and changed. Not sure what I grew in TX... be it wings, stature, or both... but enough of me changed that going back to who I was before really became impossible.
The mobilization to Texas was really a profound experience for me. I had the time to build confidence in myself as a person. I found that I like me, quite a bit, and I like a challenge... and I had a year of them and met them head on. The Army isn't perfect, but has overall been very good to me. Then I came home to take on the XO position in my unit... again a challenge. I wouldn't seek these challenges if I didn't want them. And though I love my job at Callaway County in every way except the pay, it was a small box to try to fit myself back into... I have the best coworkers... the best boss... the best in so many ways... but it is time to move on.
I am also moving because of the weather, the extreme cold and extreme heat of the midwest has finally gotten too much for me. I have become a runner... and I love running outside, but the weather here limits me to a very small part of the year... the snippets of the now-nearly-nonexistent spring and fall that we experience and the few cool breaks we have in the rest of the year. I've never been a fan of the heat and humidity, but have always accepted it as part of life... but ever since I had that heat injury in 2007 on Hoover Dam, I have to be extra careful and certainly do not run if it's much over 70 degrees F. I'd rather run at 17 deg F... I've done it... with proper clothes, it really isn't as brutal as it sounds once you get going.
Politics is also driving me out of Missouri. The Missouri I grew up in was sensibly conservative with a very small "c". People made change when needed and not when it wasn't. At least that was my recollection. Mind you, I grew up in suburban St. Louis, the daughter of a union shop steward. So I was raised to understand the value of the tax dollar, but also that the little guys had to stick together to protect themselves from most companies... not all, but most. I was also taught that it was important to vote and stand up for what you believe in. Honestly, I am tired of working for peanuts, accepting with gratitude, a couple more nuts each year. I am excited about joining a union in my new job... I am proud of that. I wish Pop was still alive so I could tell him about it. The political turn to the stupid that Missouri has taken scares the hell out of me, honestly. Mark and I held on for a long time, not wanting to be beaten or to let the stupid win. We are finally waving the white flag and running like hell.
Of the things that I will miss in Missouri... the land. Maramec Springs is my heart, I go there about once a year just to fill my soul's battery. Columbia... the best big little town ever. It has been my home for 20 years, it is where we have raised our kids, but it is also a crucible. I have had the extra shit burned away and an essential truth remains in my soul... it's time to move on. Despite my love of the parks, the trails, the parks and so much of Missouri, it is time to move on... time to seek new vistas and adventures.
I will so miss my friends. I have managed to collect the best friends ever... walking with Jas, going shopping with Kimberly, doing fiber festivals with Renee, running with Kayla... and everyone else. And my coworkers who are extended family to me... damn guys, I have to break in a new batch... I wonder if they will appreciate the singing nurse in Seattle too?!
Then there is the mix of trepidation and excitement about my new job. I am sure I will do great, but there is always the little niggling doubt that fears I won't make it past my probationary 6 months and will have to crawl back to Missouri in disgrace. So for all the self confidence, there is always that little voice... and why it's there after excelling in a new field of nursing for a year with the Army at Ft Hood... even earning an Army Commendation Medal. It's just daunting to feel like I'm going from the Fulton, MO Little Leagues to the St. Louis Cardinals in one swell foop. But I will be one member of a team... a team that I have already been welcomed to... so the caseload may be 10 times what I'm used to, but I will have amazing resources that I've not had here, and I won't be alone. So I really do feel like I'm leaving home to go home.
The trip up to Portland & Seattle in April was wonderful. I really liked the people and the place, it felt good. It felt right... and this whole job process has felt so "meant". The skeptical side of me wants to "poo poo" it, but it's just gone with amazing ease... which of course makes me look for the other shoe... but I think the other shoe must have been the other job I applied for in Oregon. Everything for the Seattle job has been downright slick, whereas the Oregon job has been just glitched. It's funny but Mark and I both felt like Oregon was gonna be it... but Seattle said, "Ummmm NO! You are coming HERE!" It's like the Oregon job made me look at the possibilities but I was supposed to get the Seattle job. Even the nursing license process reflects this... my fingerprints have been twice rejected by Oregon, while they seem to be fine so far in Washington, and the latter will grant you a temp license while the background check is completed. So I can go up there and get everything squared away. Not that I'm worried since the Army gave me a clearance and my worst infraction was a speeding ticket in 2009 in Jefferson City... so yeah, I'm a dangerous criminal there.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The power of good-bye...
Sometimes, life forces you to cut your losses and go.
Sometimes there are people in your life that you love, but you just have to stop helping and giving everything to and let them go off on their own path because you know that they will never grow or progress if you don't.
Sometimes there are people in your life who have hurt you so deeply that only time and space, of indeterminate amounts, will allow you to heal enough to start rebuilding a relationship.
Sometimes you really get to a place beyond blame, to a place of resolve in which you know what you need to do... no matter how hard.
There comes a point in parenting where you just have to let go, and hope the scraping of the butt in the gravel isn't too hard.
There are some voids that can only be filled by the hard lessons in life, not by anything given to you, wheedled out of others, or by blaming others. They can only be filled from within.
Sometimes the truest love you can show another is by being true to yourself.
Letting paths diverge in love.
Sometimes there are people in your life that you love, but you just have to stop helping and giving everything to and let them go off on their own path because you know that they will never grow or progress if you don't.
Sometimes there are people in your life who have hurt you so deeply that only time and space, of indeterminate amounts, will allow you to heal enough to start rebuilding a relationship.
Sometimes you really get to a place beyond blame, to a place of resolve in which you know what you need to do... no matter how hard.
There comes a point in parenting where you just have to let go, and hope the scraping of the butt in the gravel isn't too hard.
There are some voids that can only be filled by the hard lessons in life, not by anything given to you, wheedled out of others, or by blaming others. They can only be filled from within.
Sometimes the truest love you can show another is by being true to yourself.
Letting paths diverge in love.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
23 days...
So much to do, so little time.
I spent most of the last week battling an overuse injury in my shoulder that invariably spreads into my neck and hurts beyond a lot. I decided that needle-felting a textile project that is very large, by hand, was a great idea and it was fine until about Wednesday when the pain, numbness and tingling set in. My Thursday, my neck and right shoulder were starting a painful freeze up... I was never so grateful for the Chinese massage therapists at the mall for their walk in services! 20 minutes of work on my back and shoulders did the trick... it was a little better Friday and tons better today. I have also keep up a steady dosing of naproxen to prevent swelling. To mostly NOT be in pain after several days of severe pain is a blessing. However I felt compelled to reneg on my volunteering for the Tough Mudder tomorrow... don't want to exacerbate my shoulder and I need a day to clean.
I also think I had a very small version of whatever in the hell the rest of the family had the previous week... something sinusey and energy draining. I was in a weird fog all week, though very effective at work, clearing many disease cases that had backlogged during August... the month of Tdap Shots & TB tests galore... especially the latter! We did 45+ tests in the month of August, 36 of which were in the last 2 weeks... which is a staggering number considering our usual 5ish a week. I don't know why they were all crawling out of the woodwork, but crawl they did. However, all the clinic busy-ness, prepping for our annual employee health fair,and stress over waiting to hear about the job applications just made for a very distracted month. The good part about quickly clearing the backlog is that I know that I can handle a large volume of cases in a short time, which will be very useful in a place as busy as Seattle/King County will be sure to be.
One important FYI, since we are deep into tick season... wear repellent and long pants/sleeves if you go into tall grass or the woods. Ehrlichiosis has been remarkably bad this year with most cases meeting at least what we call "probable" case definition, if not confirmed. In years past, the number of probable/confirmed cases has been quite low... but we are seeing the opposite this year. I also haven't been seeing a great deal of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever... just Ehrlichiosis out the wazoo.
I am looking forward to the new job where I can give up some of the hats I have been wearing for 7 years at Callaway. A narrower focus and more honed specialization is appealing. It will be nice to be able to buckle down to a task and not be called away to have to give a shot, take a blood pressure, or help someone with their computer. I have already received welcome e-mails from my new co-workers in Seattle... I can't wait to get in and get going with them.
However, I am leaving a most excellent group of people at the Callaway County Health Department. I almost feel like I'm leaving home to go home. I also am leaving some amazing connections at the Missouri Department of Health & Senior Services, especially Drew & Terry. I will miss having their voices on the end of the line when I have an outbreak to report or a question to ask.
Today has been a restful day, just kind of recovery from a long week of illness and pain. I got in a nice 6.25 mile run/walk on the MKT and managed to shave a couple of minutes off my previous 10K time. It's a work in progress to be sure... and somehow, I am managing to progress. As with other parts of my life, progress is happening.
I spent most of the last week battling an overuse injury in my shoulder that invariably spreads into my neck and hurts beyond a lot. I decided that needle-felting a textile project that is very large, by hand, was a great idea and it was fine until about Wednesday when the pain, numbness and tingling set in. My Thursday, my neck and right shoulder were starting a painful freeze up... I was never so grateful for the Chinese massage therapists at the mall for their walk in services! 20 minutes of work on my back and shoulders did the trick... it was a little better Friday and tons better today. I have also keep up a steady dosing of naproxen to prevent swelling. To mostly NOT be in pain after several days of severe pain is a blessing. However I felt compelled to reneg on my volunteering for the Tough Mudder tomorrow... don't want to exacerbate my shoulder and I need a day to clean.
I also think I had a very small version of whatever in the hell the rest of the family had the previous week... something sinusey and energy draining. I was in a weird fog all week, though very effective at work, clearing many disease cases that had backlogged during August... the month of Tdap Shots & TB tests galore... especially the latter! We did 45+ tests in the month of August, 36 of which were in the last 2 weeks... which is a staggering number considering our usual 5ish a week. I don't know why they were all crawling out of the woodwork, but crawl they did. However, all the clinic busy-ness, prepping for our annual employee health fair,and stress over waiting to hear about the job applications just made for a very distracted month. The good part about quickly clearing the backlog is that I know that I can handle a large volume of cases in a short time, which will be very useful in a place as busy as Seattle/King County will be sure to be.
One important FYI, since we are deep into tick season... wear repellent and long pants/sleeves if you go into tall grass or the woods. Ehrlichiosis has been remarkably bad this year with most cases meeting at least what we call "probable" case definition, if not confirmed. In years past, the number of probable/confirmed cases has been quite low... but we are seeing the opposite this year. I also haven't been seeing a great deal of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever... just Ehrlichiosis out the wazoo.
I am looking forward to the new job where I can give up some of the hats I have been wearing for 7 years at Callaway. A narrower focus and more honed specialization is appealing. It will be nice to be able to buckle down to a task and not be called away to have to give a shot, take a blood pressure, or help someone with their computer. I have already received welcome e-mails from my new co-workers in Seattle... I can't wait to get in and get going with them.
However, I am leaving a most excellent group of people at the Callaway County Health Department. I almost feel like I'm leaving home to go home. I also am leaving some amazing connections at the Missouri Department of Health & Senior Services, especially Drew & Terry. I will miss having their voices on the end of the line when I have an outbreak to report or a question to ask.
Today has been a restful day, just kind of recovery from a long week of illness and pain. I got in a nice 6.25 mile run/walk on the MKT and managed to shave a couple of minutes off my previous 10K time. It's a work in progress to be sure... and somehow, I am managing to progress. As with other parts of my life, progress is happening.
Friday, September 13, 2013
And the dam broke...
My official job offer came in Thursday night, September 5th. The offer was 5% over what I was hoping for on the top end. So, for that, and so many other reasons, I had no hesitation in accepting the job. It was all contingent upon a background check, but I found out that I sailed through that process. So now I am waiting for my official hire letter.
I have also sent off my fingerprint cards for my Washington State Nursing license. It would be better if Washington was a nurse compact state but it's not, so the hoops must be jumped through. I have pretty much sent that off and it's out of my hands. It remains for me to pack, sort, and generally get ready to leave on 8th October.
I have tendered my resignation here at Callaway County as of last week. I have contacted the Army unit up in Washington. I am even looking at apartments online. The complex I like the look of the best even has a 1 bedroom apartment available. So I will take a tour and hopefully get the leasing taken care of quickly.
I am now down to 9 more days left of work here and then I'll have a week or so to get things together to leave. I am cleaning out my office and filling boxes with stuff. Amazing amounts of crap have built up in here over 7 years.
But I want to make this break as cleanly as I possibly can. I have been feeling weighed down by things, by life, by routine for a long time. I want to separate the wheat from the chaff, as they say and I want as little detritus go go with me. I am tired of carry so much baggage of the past... in terms of relationships and everything else. I need a place to start over. I think Texas was the catalyst of me realizing what I needed to do. Coming home was very difficult, I could not fit into the role I left or the one that was expected of me. It was like I grew new appendages, I would call them wings... and so the old anything was an awkward fit at best. I loved being in a place where I could answer mostly to myself. I found parts of myself that I lost and I couldn't come back home with the way things are and be any semblance of comfortable or happy.
So now I set off on a new adventure...
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Moving into September... and on beyond zebra...
Yeah, you would think that I'd already be moving myself mentally into September... but it's been a strange week and a very slow transition due to a lot of factors. 1) I feel rather like I'm in limbo waiting to get the job offer I have been told is coming. I checked on progress via e-mail the other day, but they are still hashing out money. 2) It's been a weird energy week at work, yesterday felt very much like Friday when it was actually only our 2nd day of work. I still can't believe I have tomorrow to get through. 3) Knowing that I will be moving soon, everything is in motion, but not knowing the timeline. 4) Being so freaking tired this week despite actually getting much better sleep than last week.
So it's sort of like that rocking chair that keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere. It would be helpful if I hadn't been so tired this week so far. Running helps a lot, be it on a treadmill or on the road. I mayn't be going anywhere, but I am moving, which helps so many things stay in perspective and burns off a lot of nervous energy. Last night was the doughnut orgy, which turned more into an exercise of self administered aversion therapy. I am really looking forward to my salad at lunch. I am sure the doughnuts were a reaction to the limbo-stress.
I guess the good thing is that I know that I am in limbo and that I am stressed because of it. So I can do something with the stress, though sometimes it will devolve into doughnut orgies. My current plan includes continuing to pack and sort piles of old crap... and to start slowly removing personal things from my office. At least I will feel like I'm moving something. Leading us right back to a previous blog of giving those with addictions something to do, and pretty much the same when people feel like they need to do something... rather than leaving them helpless, give them something to do... like knitting, giving blood, or donating money... pretty much anything that can make them feel less helpless. So I am trying do find my own "something" to do.
The real question now is... if I hear that Washington County, Oregon wants me to come for a 2nd interview and I've not heard from Seattle yet... should I go? My gut says yes, even though the chances of NOT getting the Seattle job are very small at this point. They have told me point blank that an offer is coming, but it's a union job and they are in budget cycle negotiations.
I am happy about the prospect of joining a union. The thought of paying someone to help safeguard my rights as a worker is amazing, rather than just taking what the employer is willing to give within the bounds of the law. It's a concept that people have forgotten, sadly. However, I think the pendulum on that may be starting to swing the other way... with all the WalMart and fast food protests for a living wage, we can only hope. I know that I personally prefer to shop in places where I know the company actually values the little guys working for them and pay/treat them accordingly. Hence I avoid WalMart and many other companies as much as I can... and will spend a little more, knowing that the people helping me are okay and not just modern slave labor.
So today, I'll leave with an obscure, but favorite song of mine...
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
An African American Man takes a power stance... the Teapuglicans are outraged...
I'm feeling kind of political today... not about Syria, how could I be bothered to worry about that little thing when we have the latest Teapuglican outrage being stirred up? Foreign affairs and mideast policy don't rise to any level of importance when President Obam is putting is feet on the desk in the Oval Office...
... but it was perfectly if it was Gerald Ford or George W. Bush put their feet up on the desk...
Double standards aren't fun and we imperfect humans find them easy to apply when our ideals, beliefs, and other idiotsyncrasies (my own neologism, but probably not original), conscious or not are in play.
So why can the Right stir up so such ridiculous faux outrage when it's President Obama? Could it be something deeper than just not liking the man? I think the answer is yes... and it has nothing to do with feet on any desk.
I recently went through the interview process in hopes of landing a new job in another part of the country and did a lot of research on how to interview and one of the most inspiring and interesting things I found was a TED talk about power stances and how just how you carry your body can affect your attitude and how you carry yourself. Amy Cuddy is pretty amazing and the talk is very well done.
I did some power stances and strutted my stuff about my house before my Skype interview. (By the way, I am waiting on the official offer for that job.)
So what do feet on a desk and power stances have to do with Faux outrage on the right? Well, this kind of tied itself together in my head on the way to work this morning and it seemed to make sense. President Obama having his feet up on the desk in the Oval Office is a Power Stance, whether he is sitting or standing. He is making himself larger-than-life, more than he just is, being the very man he is every other day. I believe that is the root of the reaction. For those who find an African-American in power either repugnant or unnatural, the image of our African-American president owning his turf and expressing his power is untenable, despite any evidence of previous Presidents exhibiting the exact same behavior. Perhaps, it is an explanation for Obama Derangement Syndrome as well, President Obama is in many ways, as previously mentioned, a larger-than-life figure owing to his personality, charisma, meteoric political career and being our first African American president. It's almost though his very existence challenges the deepest held prejudices of a certain segment of our population. "How dare he rise above his race and station?" seems to be the unspoken question, and, to make it worse, many of them don't even know they are doing it.
This has led to the most insane campaign to discredit him in any way possible... from the Birthers ... to the Republicans simply opposing him at every possible turn... to disagreeing with him on things that they previously supported or believed. The Republicans can't let the President have even a single victory and they appear to be willing to take the country down to make this happen. The best we can hope for that their behavior will not, make them and the United States "absolutely ridiculous", and (paraphrasing from Pride & Prejudice), with "ignorance and emptiness of ... mind, wholly unable to ward off any portion of that universal contempt which their rage for ...votes... will excite." (I am picturing Elizabeth Bennet pleading with her father to not let Lydia go to Brighton, or perhaps Elizabeth Warren pleading with the electorate to not let the Republicans go on...)
Racism is an ugly thing, overt or covert. I think the covert type is, in some ways, worse since it's harder to root out since it's in a "more acceptable" form. It's also harder to recognize in yourself and others. Whereas, with overt racism, you can point at it and say "BOO!"... though there is much about overt racism that is more directly evil and dangerous.
Ridding our country of racism and other "-isms" is a journey on which we have come a long way and still have a long way to go.
So I'll just leave it with this song for today:
... but it was perfectly if it was Gerald Ford or George W. Bush put their feet up on the desk...
Double standards aren't fun and we imperfect humans find them easy to apply when our ideals, beliefs, and other idiotsyncrasies (my own neologism, but probably not original), conscious or not are in play.
So why can the Right stir up so such ridiculous faux outrage when it's President Obama? Could it be something deeper than just not liking the man? I think the answer is yes... and it has nothing to do with feet on any desk.
I recently went through the interview process in hopes of landing a new job in another part of the country and did a lot of research on how to interview and one of the most inspiring and interesting things I found was a TED talk about power stances and how just how you carry your body can affect your attitude and how you carry yourself. Amy Cuddy is pretty amazing and the talk is very well done.
I did some power stances and strutted my stuff about my house before my Skype interview. (By the way, I am waiting on the official offer for that job.)
So what do feet on a desk and power stances have to do with Faux outrage on the right? Well, this kind of tied itself together in my head on the way to work this morning and it seemed to make sense. President Obama having his feet up on the desk in the Oval Office is a Power Stance, whether he is sitting or standing. He is making himself larger-than-life, more than he just is, being the very man he is every other day. I believe that is the root of the reaction. For those who find an African-American in power either repugnant or unnatural, the image of our African-American president owning his turf and expressing his power is untenable, despite any evidence of previous Presidents exhibiting the exact same behavior. Perhaps, it is an explanation for Obama Derangement Syndrome as well, President Obama is in many ways, as previously mentioned, a larger-than-life figure owing to his personality, charisma, meteoric political career and being our first African American president. It's almost though his very existence challenges the deepest held prejudices of a certain segment of our population. "How dare he rise above his race and station?" seems to be the unspoken question, and, to make it worse, many of them don't even know they are doing it.
This has led to the most insane campaign to discredit him in any way possible... from the Birthers ... to the Republicans simply opposing him at every possible turn... to disagreeing with him on things that they previously supported or believed. The Republicans can't let the President have even a single victory and they appear to be willing to take the country down to make this happen. The best we can hope for that their behavior will not, make them and the United States "absolutely ridiculous", and (paraphrasing from Pride & Prejudice), with "ignorance and emptiness of ... mind, wholly unable to ward off any portion of that universal contempt which their rage for ...votes... will excite." (I am picturing Elizabeth Bennet pleading with her father to not let Lydia go to Brighton, or perhaps Elizabeth Warren pleading with the electorate to not let the Republicans go on...)
Racism is an ugly thing, overt or covert. I think the covert type is, in some ways, worse since it's harder to root out since it's in a "more acceptable" form. It's also harder to recognize in yourself and others. Whereas, with overt racism, you can point at it and say "BOO!"... though there is much about overt racism that is more directly evil and dangerous.
Ridding our country of racism and other "-isms" is a journey on which we have come a long way and still have a long way to go.
So I'll just leave it with this song for today:
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Approaching change and finding things to do...
Change. nickels, dimes, transitions, breaking life from dollars into smaller component parts... random thoughts flitting through my head today.
I was stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle most of the way to work today... and I started to get annoyed and then realized that I had plenty of time, so I chose a path of calm acceptance rather than the path I'd started down. Which made me extrapolate to other situations in life... like the kids living in the basement and being seemingly unable to keep their messes to themselves. They annoy the ever living daylights out of me, but... I cannot change my basic emotional response to that, but I CAN choose what I actually do about it. And using the old "acting as if" technique really does help you change your emotional response.
This is a toughie for me, though. I have almost always been a cluttered person, but I have never been filthy... and one of the people I am sharing my home with rises to that level, not so much in terms of personal hygiene but environmentally. So combine the way I have always been with the good habits I finally learned while living alone in Texas for a year, it is very hard.
So in the meantime, I will find things to do... things are easier to deal with if you have something you can do to fill it. I remember in nursing school, one of the principles in mental health nursing is that you don't remove someone's addiction/fixation/etc. without replacing it with SOMETHING. And often when people are stressed, positively or negatively, or in a middle space like the meantime, they need to fill it with something. So I am choosing to focus on my packing and cleaning and running and knitting and spinning and writing... I prefer these pursuits anyway, they make me feel less stressed. I am also working on lists of things to do and things to pack and things to remember until I can firm up my timeline. It gives me things to fill this funny space between where I have been and where I am going.
I am expecting a phone call today, sometime, to get this ball rolling. As I said in the other blog, they are waiting to hammer out the $$ end to make me the actual offer... so to all intents and porpoises (yes that was intentional), I have the job... it's just waiting to get the devils out of the details. So more sitting in the meantime, luckily it's been a busy day, that helps a great deal.
In the meantime, I will continue to Push That Knot Away...
I was stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle most of the way to work today... and I started to get annoyed and then realized that I had plenty of time, so I chose a path of calm acceptance rather than the path I'd started down. Which made me extrapolate to other situations in life... like the kids living in the basement and being seemingly unable to keep their messes to themselves. They annoy the ever living daylights out of me, but... I cannot change my basic emotional response to that, but I CAN choose what I actually do about it. And using the old "acting as if" technique really does help you change your emotional response.
This is a toughie for me, though. I have almost always been a cluttered person, but I have never been filthy... and one of the people I am sharing my home with rises to that level, not so much in terms of personal hygiene but environmentally. So combine the way I have always been with the good habits I finally learned while living alone in Texas for a year, it is very hard.
So in the meantime, I will find things to do... things are easier to deal with if you have something you can do to fill it. I remember in nursing school, one of the principles in mental health nursing is that you don't remove someone's addiction/fixation/etc. without replacing it with SOMETHING. And often when people are stressed, positively or negatively, or in a middle space like the meantime, they need to fill it with something. So I am choosing to focus on my packing and cleaning and running and knitting and spinning and writing... I prefer these pursuits anyway, they make me feel less stressed. I am also working on lists of things to do and things to pack and things to remember until I can firm up my timeline. It gives me things to fill this funny space between where I have been and where I am going.
I am expecting a phone call today, sometime, to get this ball rolling. As I said in the other blog, they are waiting to hammer out the $$ end to make me the actual offer... so to all intents and porpoises (yes that was intentional), I have the job... it's just waiting to get the devils out of the details. So more sitting in the meantime, luckily it's been a busy day, that helps a great deal.
In the meantime, I will continue to Push That Knot Away...
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Out with the old... in with piles of new.
It's quite humorous in a way, within an hour of having written the previous post, I got home and noticed that there was a call from Seattle. It was a fraught 20 minutes until I got 'hold of the lovely lady calling. The news was absolutely stunning to me... she wanted to call and tell me I was their #1 candidate, and that they would have made an offer Thursday or Friday, but they were having some troubling hammering out the financial end. She also said that she didn't want to leave me hanging over the weekend.
It was humorous to have the ending of the blog entry followed so soon with the notification about the job, but it makes sense too. It was like I had to clear something of the old out before I could get that little thing to move forward. Now it's just a bit more of a waiting game for the official offer with dollar signs attached.
Yesterday I spent with Renee, my best friend since forever... well, third grade... driving up to Bethel, MO for the Sheep Festival. We looked around, petted some sheep and bunnies and bought beautiful purple roving that will need to be spun into something fabulous. Then we had snow cones and a funnel cake and hopped int the car and left since it was so hot. It was looking to be nearly 100 degrees. I got home and went horizontal for 2 1/2 hours... mostly due to the fact I have been short sleep all week... it's amazing how stressful transitions like this one can be. Even it it's a transition you want, it it still change and that is never something that human beings deal with very well.
I can't say that this change isn't sad, it is... there are a lot of things I am giving up to make this move now. I will be missing my son's last few months at home, though I plan to come back home for his graduation and subsequent departure for the Air Force in May... just 2 days apart. I will miss watching my granddaughter grow and change... despite the frustration of having her around sometimes, it's also a blessing that I will miss.
On the other hand, there will be things that I won't miss... living in a house constantly full of people... not being able to just leave my stuff in one place and having it still there when I return... not having to clean up after others all the time... just so many things.
So it's bittersweet as even the best of changes can be.
So I have begun the sorting and packing process... and throwing a lot more stuff into the dumpster today... that is very liberating. I have most of my kitchen put together, I think one more box should take care of that. I have a bunch of stuff up on Freecycle, I'm just waiting for people to call me to come pick stuff up.
Tomorrow morning will be fun. I am volunteering with the Heart of America marathon, I'll be posting race results at the finish line, not sure what that will entail, but I love race day atmosphere. I don't know if I'll ever run a full marathon, but I am already planning my first half in May... hopefully the Hippie Girl Run in Hillsboro, OR. It was going to be the Go Girl Run here in Columbia, but I won't be here then... or maybe I will, looking at the calendar.
It was humorous to have the ending of the blog entry followed so soon with the notification about the job, but it makes sense too. It was like I had to clear something of the old out before I could get that little thing to move forward. Now it's just a bit more of a waiting game for the official offer with dollar signs attached.
Yesterday I spent with Renee, my best friend since forever... well, third grade... driving up to Bethel, MO for the Sheep Festival. We looked around, petted some sheep and bunnies and bought beautiful purple roving that will need to be spun into something fabulous. Then we had snow cones and a funnel cake and hopped int the car and left since it was so hot. It was looking to be nearly 100 degrees. I got home and went horizontal for 2 1/2 hours... mostly due to the fact I have been short sleep all week... it's amazing how stressful transitions like this one can be. Even it it's a transition you want, it it still change and that is never something that human beings deal with very well.
I can't say that this change isn't sad, it is... there are a lot of things I am giving up to make this move now. I will be missing my son's last few months at home, though I plan to come back home for his graduation and subsequent departure for the Air Force in May... just 2 days apart. I will miss watching my granddaughter grow and change... despite the frustration of having her around sometimes, it's also a blessing that I will miss.
On the other hand, there will be things that I won't miss... living in a house constantly full of people... not being able to just leave my stuff in one place and having it still there when I return... not having to clean up after others all the time... just so many things.
So it's bittersweet as even the best of changes can be.
So I have begun the sorting and packing process... and throwing a lot more stuff into the dumpster today... that is very liberating. I have most of my kitchen put together, I think one more box should take care of that. I have a bunch of stuff up on Freecycle, I'm just waiting for people to call me to come pick stuff up.
Tomorrow morning will be fun. I am volunteering with the Heart of America marathon, I'll be posting race results at the finish line, not sure what that will entail, but I love race day atmosphere. I don't know if I'll ever run a full marathon, but I am already planning my first half in May... hopefully the Hippie Girl Run in Hillsboro, OR. It was going to be the Go Girl Run here in Columbia, but I won't be here then... or maybe I will, looking at the calendar.
Friday, August 30, 2013
The Peace of Patience
I need to put all my eggs into one basket and stop fragmenting myself. I have come to time in my life that I am paring down and really focusing myself on the things that interest me most... my dilettante nature is fighting me, though. I get annoyed at the way modern medicine fragments the human body into separate and discrete "systems"... and so I am tired of having myself so split, by my own choice. I still have many facets and interests, but since they are all a part of the whole that is ME, they need to be together, not flung about like dirty clothes in a teenager's room.
I am currently in that strange ground between job interview (x2) and seeing if all the effort was worth it. I had put "bother"... but that is not accurate since it wasn't in any sense a "bother"... I am committed to the numerous efforts that have gone into trying to secure a tenable work situation, in my nursing specialization, in the Pacific Northwest, I can even honestly say that I enjoyed them. It has been a sizable undertaking, in terms of time, money, preparation, emotions and stress. But even when you want something and can visualize having it, it is stressful... and the in the meantime, the middle time, between concrete steps, there is the waiting and the exercise of your patience muscles & nerves. I am calling it the "Peace of Patience" because that is the best for this interim period.
I am trying to stay busy and flow with the the building energy that I feel, and have felt for more months than I was aware of until recently. I'm striving to surf the waves, rather than get overwhelmed by them. I think the first strains were already moving when I went to Texas with the Army in 2011... there was a relief to have things shaken up, to be removed from my rut and some long term sources of stress. It was very hard coming back into the same environment that I so happily had left behind for a year. I'd also had a year of learning to rely on myself... and I liked it. I wasn't exactly a square peg in a round hole when I left, but I certainly was when I came back... and every time I have tried to exert some level of control into my environment, I have been met with everything from apathy to hostility.
In a way, Mark is right about me having the zeal of the newly converted... but there is also truth that I CANNOT continue to live this way. I cannot keep walking past messes, disasters, trash & filth and be happy about it. But really this is about me and where I am, so on with that show...
I have been in kind of a weird place since I came back from mobilization, not feeling settled, not feeling like I fit in the "old shoes" anymore. Part of it was the freedom of having enough money and doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it... or not. The feeling of being responsible for oneself is a great gift... Digressing again... and I think I've had a sense of things moving on in the relatively near future... we were thinking more like 18-24 months... and now I feel like I tied myself to the cowcatcher of a train and am hurtling to an as-yet-foggy future. It is both exhilarating and and nauseating... but this whole year's kind of felt that way, so far.
First it was showing up in little things like scheduling races to run in... the unit drill schedule only went to the end of the fiscal year in September. It just felt like my calendar was a void and I was in a limbo of being unable to plan anything. Then, at the end of July, a job listing for a public health nurse appeared in the Portland metro area and then one in Seattle. So I took the bull by the horns, tweaked my resume a bit to fit the "now" and wrote up a cover letter and submitted for both. I also started the process of licensure in both Washington and Oregon. I was contacted the next day by Seattle/King County and just a few days later by Washington County to set up long distance interviews. So things are mentally scheduled for "here" if I don't get one of the jobs, and I'm trying to find alternatives to those "there". It's kind of weird living a dual track life, with both tracks feeling hypothetical.
So I sit here after the interviews, trying to be zen in this meantime, trying to find my Peace of Patience. I am trying not to Sunday morning quarterback myself. It is done, it cannot be changed, it will be exactly what it will, or will not be. I think the interviews went reasonably well. I know I did the best I could. The Seattle/King County job has probably already made their decision, but it will be up to HR to make an offer, most likely next week. I should hear from Washington County next week about a possible 2nd interview, which is rather awkward if I get an offer and a callback for a 2nd interview at the same time. If that were to happen, I think I would honestly try to delay a decision with one until I had 2 solid offers to choose between. I don't want to take the first one and then regret not taking the other one.
In the meantime, I will be keeping busy... running, knitting, writing, counting my calories, spinning, packing for the anticipated move... it seems distraction and movement are the best remedies I can come up with. The writing is a huge tool... I even did a quick fitness blog post about it and I felt lighter and easier.
But back to that whole momentum and how it's been building. For months, many people have been telling me how awesome and inspiring I am to them, people close and not so close. It's very weird to me and kind of uncomfortable, especially since I just kind of feel like I'm bumbling about and just doing my thing on any given day. But all that bolstering has really solidified my self confidence enough for me to take this chance at landing a better paying job in the area I really want to relocate to. I *feel* like I am supposed to get one of these jobs... that there is a giant arrow pointing to the Pacific NW, especially Portland. Mark feels it to... hence the analogy about being tied to a cowcatcher by my own choice, but not knowing what is ahead. That would make anybody a bit nervous and queasy, I think.
I think shedding all these things is just an outward manifestation of the work that is going on inside my heart & soul. With this move comes a lot of letting go and readjusting of life, for Mark and I both. If I get one of these jobs, I will be gone sooner than later and Mark will be apart for a period of months again. I won't be around for Alan's senior year and possibly not Kaitlyn's 2nd birthday. It will also be hard to leave my family and the state I grew up in. Except for the first 9 months of our marriage and nearly 5 years in Germany and 1 year in Texas, I have lived my entire life in Missouri. However, my parents are gone and it seems that the ties that bound my brothers and I have gone with them, for the most part.
There are things that I need to shed as well and will be glad to leave behind. My relationship with my daughter is complicated and I think we both need space. I love her but I think we needs space apart to become who we are without one another before we can rebuild a long contentious situation. From much of what has gone on since my return from Texas I personally need time and space to heal. I also think that Mark and I need her and her husband to be separate from us... since one way or another we end up getting injected into one another's lives in an unhealthy way. It's not intentional, but she and her husband are a wedge between Mark and I... and the obverse is true too... so for their relationship to grow properly, they need to not be living under our roof. It's not a matter of not loving her, it's a matter of what is the best for all of us.
For now I will leave off with this link about change: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/13-ways-to-change-when-life-changes-around-you/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)