I need to put all my eggs into one basket and stop fragmenting myself. I have come to time in my life that I am paring down and really focusing myself on the things that interest me most... my dilettante nature is fighting me, though. I get annoyed at the way modern medicine fragments the human body into separate and discrete "systems"... and so I am tired of having myself so split, by my own choice. I still have many facets and interests, but since they are all a part of the whole that is ME, they need to be together, not flung about like dirty clothes in a teenager's room.
I am currently in that strange ground between job interview (x2) and seeing if all the effort was worth it. I had put "bother"... but that is not accurate since it wasn't in any sense a "bother"... I am committed to the numerous efforts that have gone into trying to secure a tenable work situation, in my nursing specialization, in the Pacific Northwest, I can even honestly say that I enjoyed them. It has been a sizable undertaking, in terms of time, money, preparation, emotions and stress. But even when you want something and can visualize having it, it is stressful... and the in the meantime, the middle time, between concrete steps, there is the waiting and the exercise of your patience muscles & nerves. I am calling it the "Peace of Patience" because that is the best for this interim period.
I am trying to stay busy and flow with the the building energy that I feel, and have felt for more months than I was aware of until recently. I'm striving to surf the waves, rather than get overwhelmed by them. I think the first strains were already moving when I went to Texas with the Army in 2011... there was a relief to have things shaken up, to be removed from my rut and some long term sources of stress. It was very hard coming back into the same environment that I so happily had left behind for a year. I'd also had a year of learning to rely on myself... and I liked it. I wasn't exactly a square peg in a round hole when I left, but I certainly was when I came back... and every time I have tried to exert some level of control into my environment, I have been met with everything from apathy to hostility.
In a way, Mark is right about me having the zeal of the newly converted... but there is also truth that I CANNOT continue to live this way. I cannot keep walking past messes, disasters, trash & filth and be happy about it. But really this is about me and where I am, so on with that show...
I have been in kind of a weird place since I came back from mobilization, not feeling settled, not feeling like I fit in the "old shoes" anymore. Part of it was the freedom of having enough money and doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it... or not. The feeling of being responsible for oneself is a great gift... Digressing again... and I think I've had a sense of things moving on in the relatively near future... we were thinking more like 18-24 months... and now I feel like I tied myself to the cowcatcher of a train and am hurtling to an as-yet-foggy future. It is both exhilarating and and nauseating... but this whole year's kind of felt that way, so far.
First it was showing up in little things like scheduling races to run in... the unit drill schedule only went to the end of the fiscal year in September. It just felt like my calendar was a void and I was in a limbo of being unable to plan anything. Then, at the end of July, a job listing for a public health nurse appeared in the Portland metro area and then one in Seattle. So I took the bull by the horns, tweaked my resume a bit to fit the "now" and wrote up a cover letter and submitted for both. I also started the process of licensure in both Washington and Oregon. I was contacted the next day by Seattle/King County and just a few days later by Washington County to set up long distance interviews. So things are mentally scheduled for "here" if I don't get one of the jobs, and I'm trying to find alternatives to those "there". It's kind of weird living a dual track life, with both tracks feeling hypothetical.
So I sit here after the interviews, trying to be zen in this meantime, trying to find my Peace of Patience. I am trying not to Sunday morning quarterback myself. It is done, it cannot be changed, it will be exactly what it will, or will not be. I think the interviews went reasonably well. I know I did the best I could. The Seattle/King County job has probably already made their decision, but it will be up to HR to make an offer, most likely next week. I should hear from Washington County next week about a possible 2nd interview, which is rather awkward if I get an offer and a callback for a 2nd interview at the same time. If that were to happen, I think I would honestly try to delay a decision with one until I had 2 solid offers to choose between. I don't want to take the first one and then regret not taking the other one.
In the meantime, I will be keeping busy... running, knitting, writing, counting my calories, spinning, packing for the anticipated move... it seems distraction and movement are the best remedies I can come up with. The writing is a huge tool... I even did a quick fitness blog post about it and I felt lighter and easier.
But back to that whole momentum and how it's been building. For months, many people have been telling me how awesome and inspiring I am to them, people close and not so close. It's very weird to me and kind of uncomfortable, especially since I just kind of feel like I'm bumbling about and just doing my thing on any given day. But all that bolstering has really solidified my self confidence enough for me to take this chance at landing a better paying job in the area I really want to relocate to. I *feel* like I am supposed to get one of these jobs... that there is a giant arrow pointing to the Pacific NW, especially Portland. Mark feels it to... hence the analogy about being tied to a cowcatcher by my own choice, but not knowing what is ahead. That would make anybody a bit nervous and queasy, I think.
I think shedding all these things is just an outward manifestation of the work that is going on inside my heart & soul. With this move comes a lot of letting go and readjusting of life, for Mark and I both. If I get one of these jobs, I will be gone sooner than later and Mark will be apart for a period of months again. I won't be around for Alan's senior year and possibly not Kaitlyn's 2nd birthday. It will also be hard to leave my family and the state I grew up in. Except for the first 9 months of our marriage and nearly 5 years in Germany and 1 year in Texas, I have lived my entire life in Missouri. However, my parents are gone and it seems that the ties that bound my brothers and I have gone with them, for the most part.
There are things that I need to shed as well and will be glad to leave behind. My relationship with my daughter is complicated and I think we both need space. I love her but I think we needs space apart to become who we are without one another before we can rebuild a long contentious situation. From much of what has gone on since my return from Texas I personally need time and space to heal. I also think that Mark and I need her and her husband to be separate from us... since one way or another we end up getting injected into one another's lives in an unhealthy way. It's not intentional, but she and her husband are a wedge between Mark and I... and the obverse is true too... so for their relationship to grow properly, they need to not be living under our roof. It's not a matter of not loving her, it's a matter of what is the best for all of us.
For now I will leave off with this link about change: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/13-ways-to-change-when-life-changes-around-you/
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