Faking it and not sure I'm making it.

I feel like such a fraud here.  I feel like I am running so far, so hard, so fast to fit in and do everything I need to do.. .and yet I keep making mistakes.  Just as I start feeling solid and confident, then I trip up and have to work to re-earn the solidity that I had previously earned.  Today was horrible. I felt like Mercury opened up a can of nuclear retrograde whoop ass on me.

One mistake was small, really, but the problem I was thinking out-loud and looked like I was stumbling, when I was actually just thinking out loud... but it LOOKED bad and perception can be your worst enemy sometimes.... and so I had to fight back to gain a pinch of credibility back in the eyes of my supervisor.  So that started my day.  I guess the rest wasn't all that bad... but it just colored the rest of the day.  So the rest of the day kind of went along feeling like the wheels were falling off the jalopy again... right after I'd gotten them duct-taped on last week.

I just feel like I'm on this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back learning curve here... some days 3 or 4 steps back.

I need my support system here, just the arms that could hold me and the shoulder to rust my head on.

I feel like a fraud and failure and I am so terrified that I am going to screw up this amazing opportunity to work in one of the most cutting edge health departments in the country.

But I know that I have to move out of the fear and panic mode, or I will become my own worst enemy and self fulfilling prophecy.  Everything was so easy and so normal in Missouri... why is everything so hard here.

Having the train stop and then having to locate a whole different way home this evening didn't help either. I laughed on the surface while holding back tears of frustration to my day.  And then when I got home, there was a note from the cable company saying they had come by to pick up my equipment... but that was for the guy who moved out 2 months ago... the same guy who didn't pay his electric bill and got me shut off the other week.  Armando, I don't think I like you very much.

When I come through the other side of this process I will be fine, but the right now is kind of sucking.

I think I kind of took what I had going for me for granted. But those situations took years to build into what they were. It's just sucking to have to go through that all over again.

But there were so many reasons why I couldn't have stayed either.

And I have to keep pulling out the truth that I am qualified for this position, I am smart, I can learn this.  I just have to persevere.  I just want it now... I really hate picking gravel out of my ass.

My short trip home is going to be whirlwind crazy, but I think I need it.