ruminations

I am glad that I have drill this weekend. Once again, the Army has come through for me.  It is keeping me busy and getting me out of the apartment for the weekend.  I got to talk to people about everything and nothing... and have a general change of scene and society... and that carries a value that is hard to enumerate.  So now I'm safely ensconced in a hotel room while the snow falls outside.

I am still feeling angry and resentful to a certain degree, but honestly it's actually quite small. Mostly I just feel sad... sad that it didn't work out, sad that there are others still working there, sad for those who hurt me.  And it's a real feeling of pity.... I'm sorry that they are so convinced of their rightness, their perfection, and yet seemingly so unhappy.  I don't think that many of those who treat others badly are particularly happy themselves. There is usually something they are trying to protect, be it turf, or something deep inside of themselves. So really I feel more pity than anything else.

Even though this makes my situation financially rather precarious, I need to move forward and not spend all that time and energy on anger and resentment.  It's fine to acknowledge them, but not to live in them.  I'm going to forgive and move on.

Sometimes it IS personal.

Yeah, I’m still processing being fired. How I could go from such success in my most recent job at Callaway County and with my Army MOB to Ft. Hood, TX to being such a seemingly abysmal failure here seems incongruous to me.  I’m in no way saying that I didn’t make mistakes…. Hey! Human!  I wish those mistakes hadn’t happened, but if I were perfect I would be a robot.  I have only been fired from two jobs, the previous one truly wasn’t personal, it was situational… but I feel this firing had a lot of personal elements to it.

So of course the fault lies somewhere in the middle of this whole thing…. Some theirs, some mine. Fair enough.  To try and press the point that my poop don’t stink and is made of solid gold… well no flight on that goose. However, in retrospect, I still stand by my gut intuition that says there was a personality conflict with my direct supervisors very early on and that combined with me tipping my hand early on about being nervous about the situation working out since there was so much riding on it was my downfall.  They smelled blood in the water and took advantage.

I just got early on that they really didn’t “get” me… my sense of humor, my personality, my Army service, any of it… nor do I think they really wanted to try. They were put off early on, which sealed my fate.  Usually just being myself will ease situations and initial personality conflicts smooth themsleves over. Sadly, I think I was prejudged. In retrospect, I was bullied too.

Perhaps these statements sound paranoid, but please keep on, it will make sense as you go on.

First off, I moved 2000 miles for this job and have been the main support for my entire family for a long while now.  Those stressors alone were extraordinary.  Then I chose to uproot to a new city, new job, new everything… alone.  This was way different than the MOB to Ft. Hood… there I had the support and familiarity of my Army unit… though not my family, they were friends who knew me and people I could talk to since we were all in the same boat.  It wasn’t easy but it was a cake walk in comparison to what the last few months have been here in Washington.

So, I landed at the job on my 3^rd full day in Washington.  Everything seemed fine.  I tried to crack some jokes and be myself but the chilly reception was apparent to me.  I was given a checklist of things that stated at the bottom that they expected me to be able to do by 6 months into the job.  So I am concerned because of the niggle in my gut, but not too worried.  However, I did express my concern and was told everything was fine.  Hand was tipped, weakness shown, blood in the water.

So I had my 6 month checklist and was working diligently on it. I was being given different diseases to work on, but there was always something wrong and positive feedback was limited or eclipsed by the negative.  It was really difficult to go to work on a daily basis with any confidence when any gains you feel you are making are constantly being undermined by the “Yes… but…”  So I had a check-in meeting with a higher level supervisor and aired my need for solid benchmarks and more frequent feedback.  I felt like I wasn’t really being trained, but more being expected to know everything upfront and then being excoriated for making mistakes.  I also felt belittled and stupid. 

So the meeting with the supervisor was helpful for a few weeks, it did get some benchmarks and a training plan. However, at the next training meeting I was told that my meeting of one of the benchmarks really didn’t count… which pretty put me back at square one.  I accepted it and didn’t report it higher (and probably should have) because I was trying to move on in my training anyway.  I really didn’t think about it much.

However I think the fact that I talked to the upper management put me on the radar and also inadvertently exacerbated a turf war between the new upper management and the old guard middle management.

In these training meetings all the way through, I was told my telephone interviewing skills weren’t right, they needed work. I was not allowed to make calls. We worked on my phone skills; I gained confidence as they wanted me too.  I was never told that my skills are good or adequate, just that they were “better”. Goal was never achieved…I was given lots of tips and pointers... and I worked to put them into practice, but I still got the "it is getting better"... with no direction past a certain point. In one meeting I was told (paraphrasing here) that Public Health messaging always has to be right (no argument there) and “flat”, so to speak.  I’m guessing that meant no personality or at least not my personality.  I was told not to use any colorful language because it might confuse people, this was after I had been dealing with a facility that had an outbreak and I said, “Norovirus can spread like a fire in a dry Kansas summer.’  Okay, yeah, I could have said “wildfire”… but if it had just been a message of “tame your metaphors”… no sweat, but they had to add “People here wouldn’t understand that. It must be a Missouri thing.”  The other piece that came out of that same meeting was criticism for using the military alphabet to help someone spell my last name “Sierra-Charlie-Hotel-Mike-India-Delta-Tango”.  I was told not to use military slang since it might offend people. They did not want to turn off the public since “most people in Washington didn’t support the war”.  If their reason was “use something more people will understand”, again, no sweat… but there was a veiled assumption about my military service and how I felt about the current conflicts our country is involved in.  So yeah, it was personal.

I have also come across some information that has validated my experience.  One nurse admitted she takes Pepto Bismol every day, another told me that in her first few weeks there, she would end up on her living room floor sobbing in a fetal position and that an MD stationed there (via the CDC) spent her early days wondering what she was going to get yelled at about each day.  I also spoke to the union rep who said that my experience wasn’t unusual and that the lack of clear training, and that it's not uncommon for former employees to have PTSD.

In the end, I cannot argue that it was not a good fit. I am honestly glad to be out of there. Strangely, the stress of being unemployed is less than the stress of going to work sick everyday.  I am not proud about how I let them made me feel. I am sorry I tipped my hand so early. But I am proud that I stood up for my needs.

I have learned a lot. And those lessons will go forward with me.

Examining the rocks... day 2 of whatever this is.

Woke up early… with some things really coming clear in my head. Today is going to be an angry day, I think. I woke up thinking about that training issue. So I will try to be constructive about what I think a good training system is and isn’t…. and then I will look at what I just went through.

At the outset, any training plan needs to have general goals undergirded by specific, measurable goals and benchmarks with general timelines. And the only way to make this work is to have clear, unbiased communication.

Here’s what happened to me… I was given a general checklist of things that “I was expected to be able to do by 6 months”. I had to fight to get clear benchmarks with measurable goals, but didn’t get them until 2 months in. So I was already behind the 8 ball in behind in trying to reach the goals that had been set out. I thought I was starting to “get it” only to find the goalposts had not only moved, they had been removed and replaced… all the stuff I’d been working to master no longer counted. I was also given other goals to achieve, which I understood needed to be completed by the 6 month point… but I only started being given additional things to master a few weeks ago. And yet, ostensibly, I was fired for not meeting standards.

In addition, instead of an ongoing dialogue about how I was doing… I would be told I was doing fine when I would ask and then get slammed in training meetings. Things would be “getting better” but they would still be vulturing over me. At some point in training a person you have to let go and let them make mistakes… that is what training is for.

In this passive-aggressive atmosphere it was nearly impossible for me to succeed. It was uncomfortable from very early on. So honestly, yesterday’s events really weren’t all that surprising… I just honestly thought I would have had more warning.

Sudden crash onto the rocks...

The unknown is very scary. I am sitting very solidly in that space that makes me very uncomfortable, but you know, considering what I just left, I’m not really sure it’s any worse. I can get some of the rest that I desperately need… and have needed for 5 or more years. I am bone weary in just about every way imaginable. I’m tired of struggling… tired of fighting… tired of you name it. My heart is weary and needs some nurturing. In a way it’s a relief to not have to go to work every morning with my stomach in knots and feeling like I’m going to throw up.

I don’t regret leaving Missouri, it really was time to go and Mark and I wanted to move out here. The job just seemed perfect and I was so excited and happy to be headed out on a new adventure, but from very early on, I started having misgivings.  It’s not any one thing, but I think I got off on a wrong foot and I can’t even say when it happened exactly… but whatever it was a fatal mistake from which I never recovered. Additionally, I did make mistakes, which I know but choose not to enumerate here… but I’m not sure any of them were truly fatal… but they certainly seemed to be aggregated in such a way that they couldn’t be overcome, no matter how good I was doing in every other aspect of the job.

The fault lies in the middle somewhere, I’m honestly not sure where. It has been chalked up to “not meeting standards” and “not a good fit”… which, as one friend put it, “Translation -- bonking heads with ... who? The boss or the old hand?" Also there was an issue I had with the training system, or lack thereof… the newer management was trying to change things but the middle management that has been there forever really didn’t seem to want to. So as the same friend put it, despite my mistakes, I became collateral damage in an apparent turf war. And how do you know about something like that before you take a job?

So… here we are, moving forward into completely uncharted waters. I am frightened, scared, angry, depressed, lonely… and every imaginable combo of emotions… often all at the same time. I have been much heartened by the amazing outpouring of support by friends and family. One of my friends from my (now former) job even came to spend a few hours making sure I was okay. So we baked cookies and watched Mamma Mia. That helped more than I can say.

So here I am, washed up on the rocks of life. I need to start by regrouping myself and then start forging a new path forward. Mark will be here next week, so I won’t be alone for too much longer. I have hope that being on the rocks won’t be for too long.

180 Monday.

Last Monday was a very bad day... it was like Mercury opened a can of retrograde whoopass on me. Today was pretty much the opposite... for a bunch of reasons.

Though I only had a short visit back home to Missouri, it was just what I needed to recharge my mental and spiritual batteries. Spending time with all my kids and my wonderful husband allowed me to touch base and put everything in perspective. Though this transition is hard, it is what Mark and I want, it is laying the foundation for our future, together.

I realized that though I miss my family, I am better off here, moving our lives forward and that I could not live there anymore.  I was better able to enjoy everyone on a short visit.  I had a really great time.  Especially with Miss K. That little girl and I had the best time... reading Stop That Pickle, playing with her wolf toy, her helping me pack, washing hands and all kinds of things that fascinated her...

I also got to visit with my dear Jasmine, that was priceless.

It was wonderful going back to "Cheers"...

Part of me was saying that I didn't want to come back, but then I spent the time with Jasmine and realized exactly why I'd left and how much I had to look forward to by coming back.

So I cried a bit when Mark left me in Kansas City, but when I saw the lights of Seattle spread out below me as the plane was bumpily landing, I felt my heart beat faster and my excitement rose... I was glad to be back in my new home.

I'm still anxious for Mark to get out her permanently... but I will be okay. I will continue to do my best in my dream job. And Mark and Alan will be here in just 19 days...

Happy.

Faking it and not sure I'm making it.

I feel like such a fraud here.  I feel like I am running so far, so hard, so fast to fit in and do everything I need to do.. .and yet I keep making mistakes.  Just as I start feeling solid and confident, then I trip up and have to work to re-earn the solidity that I had previously earned.  Today was horrible. I felt like Mercury opened up a can of nuclear retrograde whoop ass on me.

One mistake was small, really, but the problem I was thinking out-loud and looked like I was stumbling, when I was actually just thinking out loud... but it LOOKED bad and perception can be your worst enemy sometimes.... and so I had to fight back to gain a pinch of credibility back in the eyes of my supervisor.  So that started my day.  I guess the rest wasn't all that bad... but it just colored the rest of the day.  So the rest of the day kind of went along feeling like the wheels were falling off the jalopy again... right after I'd gotten them duct-taped on last week.

I just feel like I'm on this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back learning curve here... some days 3 or 4 steps back.

I need my support system here, just the arms that could hold me and the shoulder to rust my head on.

I feel like a fraud and failure and I am so terrified that I am going to screw up this amazing opportunity to work in one of the most cutting edge health departments in the country.

But I know that I have to move out of the fear and panic mode, or I will become my own worst enemy and self fulfilling prophecy.  Everything was so easy and so normal in Missouri... why is everything so hard here.

Having the train stop and then having to locate a whole different way home this evening didn't help either. I laughed on the surface while holding back tears of frustration to my day.  And then when I got home, there was a note from the cable company saying they had come by to pick up my equipment... but that was for the guy who moved out 2 months ago... the same guy who didn't pay his electric bill and got me shut off the other week.  Armando, I don't think I like you very much.

When I come through the other side of this process I will be fine, but the right now is kind of sucking.

I think I kind of took what I had going for me for granted. But those situations took years to build into what they were. It's just sucking to have to go through that all over again.

But there were so many reasons why I couldn't have stayed either.

And I have to keep pulling out the truth that I am qualified for this position, I am smart, I can learn this.  I just have to persevere.  I just want it now... I really hate picking gravel out of my ass.

My short trip home is going to be whirlwind crazy, but I think I need it.

My belated first week reflections...

It's funny, but I have come to a realization that I have been a Leftcoaster stuck in a Missourian's body for awhile now. I've always been on the liberal side of the fence politically, but I think 5 years of living in Europe only intensified that.

Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do

Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home.  Something just had to give.  I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others.  I felt cramped and confined and invaded.  I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.

So now I have come to Seattle.  I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work.  Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc.  I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks.  But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow.  Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood.  Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people.  And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line.  Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.

It is a different world up here and a much different life.  I am in no  way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together.  It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.

I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks.  Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here.  Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy.  And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee.  There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in.  They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip.  (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)  

I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon.  This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.

Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian.  Good Pho place too!  I loves me some noodle soup!!  I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff.  I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).

There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal.  I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too.  James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref.  So it's huge.

At work, I am already finding that they are fun people.  From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people.  My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement.  By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday.  I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.

Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun.  It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!  

So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged.  So yeah... busy.  Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.

I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.  

MAKE IT AWESOMER!!