Sudden crash onto the rocks...

The unknown is very scary. I am sitting very solidly in that space that makes me very uncomfortable, but you know, considering what I just left, I’m not really sure it’s any worse. I can get some of the rest that I desperately need… and have needed for 5 or more years. I am bone weary in just about every way imaginable. I’m tired of struggling… tired of fighting… tired of you name it. My heart is weary and needs some nurturing. In a way it’s a relief to not have to go to work every morning with my stomach in knots and feeling like I’m going to throw up.

I don’t regret leaving Missouri, it really was time to go and Mark and I wanted to move out here. The job just seemed perfect and I was so excited and happy to be headed out on a new adventure, but from very early on, I started having misgivings.  It’s not any one thing, but I think I got off on a wrong foot and I can’t even say when it happened exactly… but whatever it was a fatal mistake from which I never recovered. Additionally, I did make mistakes, which I know but choose not to enumerate here… but I’m not sure any of them were truly fatal… but they certainly seemed to be aggregated in such a way that they couldn’t be overcome, no matter how good I was doing in every other aspect of the job.

The fault lies in the middle somewhere, I’m honestly not sure where. It has been chalked up to “not meeting standards” and “not a good fit”… which, as one friend put it, “Translation -- bonking heads with ... who? The boss or the old hand?" Also there was an issue I had with the training system, or lack thereof… the newer management was trying to change things but the middle management that has been there forever really didn’t seem to want to. So as the same friend put it, despite my mistakes, I became collateral damage in an apparent turf war. And how do you know about something like that before you take a job?

So… here we are, moving forward into completely uncharted waters. I am frightened, scared, angry, depressed, lonely… and every imaginable combo of emotions… often all at the same time. I have been much heartened by the amazing outpouring of support by friends and family. One of my friends from my (now former) job even came to spend a few hours making sure I was okay. So we baked cookies and watched Mamma Mia. That helped more than I can say.

So here I am, washed up on the rocks of life. I need to start by regrouping myself and then start forging a new path forward. Mark will be here next week, so I won’t be alone for too much longer. I have hope that being on the rocks won’t be for too long.