Rebuilding

I have many tasks right now.  A  huge one is regaining the confidence that was effectively trashed in this experience.  I also have to stop living through fear, but that entails rewiring my brain. So I have a lot of rewiring to do all over my brain.

I have a core confidence that we will get through this. I just don't like the uncertainty and that puts that uncomfortable queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling is my fear response, so I am having to learn to recognize the fear, honor it, but not let it sit with me and spiral me down into dark, negative space.... and that is so easy to do.  I don't think I am a normally depressed person, but I do have times when it gets dark and everything feels like a battle. So then the trick becomes sitting with and accepting the unknown for exactly what it is.

When the fear response sets in, it tends to dominate all processes.  But like one website I read, you have to learn to not pull the alarm bell... you can feel the fear without freaking out.  And you can intellectually know a lot of things, but until it translates into GUT knowledge, it is harder to integrate that knowledge into your process.

In this society, women are told to be humble and not take credit for their own successes. You downplay your success... while men are told to trumpet their successes to the world.  This is evident in the wage gap, the lesser value of women's work unless men have taken it up, etc.

But the truth is that I HAVE achieved a great deal. I have been a successful nurse in many settings over the past 10 1/2 years, I am a successful US Army officer, I have two great kids who are achieving in their own interesting ways, I have a successful (almost) 27 year marriage, I lost 60 lbs and have kept it off, I am an accomplished knitter and spinner, and so many more.  And what's funny is that I feel compelled to explain why I am enumerating my positives... which is a form of downplaying what I do.

Additionally, the way I was treated in school by the other kids often made me feel incompetent and stupid.  I have always been the sensitive one, easy to tears, easy to anger, easy to laugh... just generally emotional.  I was raised in a nurturing home, but when I got out into the real world and saw that other people didn't treat me or anyone else with lovingkindess, I was confused.  And honestly, I am still confused.  Things work better when you are nice and genuine with people... but only if everyone is on that same page.  Most of the time, my trust and openness has served me better than subterfuge and general asshattery... so I expect back what I am giving... and I get hurt when it doesn't work that way.

I guess you would think that after getting burned as many times as I have, I would be a hard person, but it really isn't in my nature to be that way.  I don't want to be bitter, cynical, mean.  I like having an open and happy approach to the world.  The problem is also that when I meet people who aren't trusting, the act as though I'm playing an angle or trying to get something over on them... even though I'm being genuine.

So I guess some other takeaways from this experience, apart from the learning to surrender (not in a let the world run over you way) to what is, is to learn to not tip my hand or open myself up too soon.  I need to be cautious and get the lay of the land first... or I will end up railroaded and humiliated like I did in this most recent misadventure.  Some lessons are harder won than others.