I feel like such a fraud here. I feel like I am running so far, so hard, so fast to fit in and do everything I need to do.. .and yet I keep making mistakes. Just as I start feeling solid and confident, then I trip up and have to work to re-earn the solidity that I had previously earned. Today was horrible. I felt like Mercury opened up a can of nuclear retrograde whoop ass on me.
One mistake was small, really, but the problem I was thinking out-loud and looked like I was stumbling, when I was actually just thinking out loud... but it LOOKED bad and perception can be your worst enemy sometimes.... and so I had to fight back to gain a pinch of credibility back in the eyes of my supervisor. So that started my day. I guess the rest wasn't all that bad... but it just colored the rest of the day. So the rest of the day kind of went along feeling like the wheels were falling off the jalopy again... right after I'd gotten them duct-taped on last week.
I just feel like I'm on this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back learning curve here... some days 3 or 4 steps back.
I need my support system here, just the arms that could hold me and the shoulder to rust my head on.
I feel like a fraud and failure and I am so terrified that I am going to screw up this amazing opportunity to work in one of the most cutting edge health departments in the country.
But I know that I have to move out of the fear and panic mode, or I will become my own worst enemy and self fulfilling prophecy. Everything was so easy and so normal in Missouri... why is everything so hard here.
Having the train stop and then having to locate a whole different way home this evening didn't help either. I laughed on the surface while holding back tears of frustration to my day. And then when I got home, there was a note from the cable company saying they had come by to pick up my equipment... but that was for the guy who moved out 2 months ago... the same guy who didn't pay his electric bill and got me shut off the other week. Armando, I don't think I like you very much.
When I come through the other side of this process I will be fine, but the right now is kind of sucking.
I think I kind of took what I had going for me for granted. But those situations took years to build into what they were. It's just sucking to have to go through that all over again.
But there were so many reasons why I couldn't have stayed either.
And I have to keep pulling out the truth that I am qualified for this position, I am smart, I can learn this. I just have to persevere. I just want it now... I really hate picking gravel out of my ass.
My short trip home is going to be whirlwind crazy, but I think I need it.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
My belated first week reflections...
It's funny, but I have come to a realization that I have been a Leftcoaster stuck in a Missourian's body for awhile now. I've always been on the liberal side of the fence politically, but I think 5 years of living in Europe only intensified that.
Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do
Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home. Something just had to give. I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others. I felt cramped and confined and invaded. I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.
So now I have come to Seattle. I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work. Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc. I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks. But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow. Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood. Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people. And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line. Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.
It is a different world up here and a much different life. I am in no way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together. It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.
I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks. Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here. Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy. And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee. There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in. They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip. (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)
I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon. This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.
Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian. Good Pho place too! I loves me some noodle soup!! I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff. I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).
There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal. I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too. James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref. So it's huge.
At work, I am already finding that they are fun people. From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people. My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement. By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday. I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.
Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun. It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!
So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged. So yeah... busy. Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.
I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.
MAKE IT AWESOMER!!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Seattle, the first week plus a couple...
It's funny, but I have come to a realization that I have been a Leftcoaster stuck in a Missourian's body for awhile now. I've always been on the liberal side of the fence politically, but I think 5 years of living in Europe only intensified that.
Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do
Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home. Something just had to give. I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others. I felt cramped and confined and invaded. I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.
So now I have come to Seattle. I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work. Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc. I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks. But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow. Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood. Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people. And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line. Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.
It is a different world up here and a much different life. I am in no way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together. It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.
I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks. Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here. Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy. And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee. There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in. They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip. (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)
I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon. This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.
Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian. Good Pho place too! I loves me some noodle soup!! I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff. I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).
There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal. I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too. James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref. So it's huge.
At work, I am already finding that they are fun people. From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people. My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement. By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday. I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.
Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun. It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department's catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!
So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged. So yeah... busy. Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.
I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.
MAKE IT AWESOMER!!
Make no mistake, I love my home state... so much that I practically have clear Ozark streams for blood. But the Missouri I loved is not the Missouri I left. Granted, I grew up in the St Louis area, the daughter of a Teamster truck driver... so it was more common to have liberals around in that time and place. However, overall I remember Missouri being a generally "small c" conservative place, ruled by common sense and not reactionary fervor. I still have many friends in Missouri who feel the same as I do
Since my return from mobilization to Texas, I knew I wouldn't be staying in Missouri much longer. I felt like I had my wings clipped when I returned home. Something just had to give. I enjoyed being home in some ways, but not so much in others. I felt cramped and confined and invaded. I got used to having personal space and time, but those were pretty much non-existent.
So now I have come to Seattle. I have been here a week and almost 2 days and completed my first day of work. Today I went to the grocery store, I was struck by 2 things... the amazing selection of energy bars like Lara, Clif, etc. I found some on sale cheap... they will make good work snacks. But also, the employees were talking about the schedule for the picket lines and how they are going to have to use savings to live during the strike that starts tomorrow. Strikes and unions were a reality of my childhood. Having a dad who was union member and a shop steward made me more keenly aware of the issues growing up... not just the inconvenience that it causes some people. And now, I'm a union member for the first time in my life... and that awareness is reawakened. It won't be as easy or cheap to get groceries, but I won't cross the picket line. Solidarity is the only way that unions work.... especially from other union members.
It is a different world up here and a much different life. I am in no way complaining... for my first week in this new world, I feel content and am anxious for Mark to get up here so we can begin this life together. It's still an adventure, and the reality will start settling in once I get into my apartment this coming Saturday. It will be another busy Saturday, I will get my keys, move my Maxine stuff in and get my internet turned on and wait for the IKEA delivery guys to show up.
I have also discovered that part of the "commuter uniform" is a travel mug of coffee, often Starbucks. Also Starbucks is almost a religion of sorts up here. Even though they are all over the place, they are all busy. And if there isn't a Starbucks, there is some sort of coffee kiosk... it's the culture. Good thing I like coffee. There is even a coffee place on the first floor of the building that I work in. They must make a pretty penny from King County employees simply due to their location... and you can only get in from inside the building if you have a county badge with access chip. (Yeah, I have that AND I have used it, tyvm.)
I like it up here... even the weather isn't getting me down, mainly because on most days we have some sun, usually in the afternoon. This weeked broke that trend though, it was supposed to be warmer, and sunny, but we just didn't quite get there.
Another observation... at the mall yesterday, I noticed that half the 12 venues in the food court are Asian. Good Pho place too! I loves me some noodle soup!! I also found the coolest little store with Japanese stuff. I bought a pair of chopsticks for work that come in their own case, some little tupperware type containers for side sauces, a very nice little phone stylus/pen & a bottle of Calpico (yum).
There is just so much to see and do and explore here, it's unreal. I may have to start going to roller derby since that seems to be the big thing too. James photographs it, two of my co-workers have daughters in the Jr Leagues and one of them is even a ref. So it's huge.
At work, I am already finding that they are fun people. From the window at the end of my row, we can see right across I-5 into a wooded area that is inhabited by homeless people. My fellows have made spreadsheets of how many tents have gone up, how long they have stayed, and how long it has taken them to return after an enforced removal. On my first day or two, there apparently had been an enforcement. By Wednesday there was one tent already back up... by Thursday it was 5, and we were holding at 5 as of COB Friday. I believe the record is 9 tents, IIRC.
Then there was the whole "make it awesomer" fun. It was more of a "you had to be there moment"... but suffice it to say, it was hiliarious... and our entire department's catch phrase is now 'make it awesomer'!
So far so good. Yesterday was "getting stuff done day"... I managed to get my Washington Driver's License (and become registered to vote and an organ donor at the same time), get my cable & internet ready to go, get my deposit and first month's rent paid, and get my huge furniture, etc. buy done at IKEA & delivery arranged. So yeah... busy. Today I laid low and made dinner for James & Liz... it's the least I can do for the help they are giving me.
I think this enough of a recap of of my first week, and a disjointed one at that.
MAKE IT AWESOMER!!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Seattle or Bust... 2000 insane miles in 4 days!
Let's just call this take 2. Urgh. Had a lot written and lost it since I'd not saved it. Grump.
Mostly I have just been trying to wrap my mind around the changes that have already happened and are continuing to happen around this huge transition in my life, on this, my 2nd full day in Seattle.
I feel like so many blessings are flowing my way right now... this amazing new job opportunity, my friends so kindly giving me a place to stay until my apartment is ready on the 26th, the smoothness of the trip... it has been an amazing process so far.
My first day in Seattle, yesterday, found me venturing out to IKEA, Trader Joe's, QFC (which is one of the incarnations of Kroger out here), and a park to go for a run in. Today I'm just kind of staying in, not doing much, but considering a trial walk to the transit station just so I am sure I'm in the right place in the morning... also for timings.
There are certain times in life when it just feels like things are "meant to be"... I tend to be a skeptic most of the time, but there are other times when I'm not and that non-skeptic side kind of comes out when I look at this whole process and how fast the changes have happened.
When I first found the job listing for Hillsboro, Oregon and put in the application, I had a feeling rather like getting on a moving train. There was no rhyme or reason for it, it just was. My gut also said that putting all my eggs in one basket wasn’t a good idea and I’m so glad that I listened to it. Because though I was an excellent candidate for the Oregon job, there wasn’t any evidence that I would get that job. So I looked at Seattle/King County and found several public health nursing positions open that I felt I could do. The funny thing is that the job I got wasn’t yet listed on their site… and yet they called me the very next day to verify some info and timetable kind of stuff with me.
Throughout it all, Seattle/King County has been wonderful and responsive, whereas the Oregon people were mostly meh… even to the point of them not responding to my e-mail to inform them that I had found another job and getting my “thanks, but no thanks” e-mail from them on my last day at Callaway County. I think the rapport that I felt after the Seattle interview was genuine and the “meh” I felt after the Oregon interview was equally genuine. I am coming to a great place, I just feel that in my gut… but they will have some mighty big shoes to fill after my family at Callaway.
I am also glad to be out of the living situation in Columbia, I was really getting to the end of my rope living with my daughter and her husband, and they were probably getting there with me, to be fair. Ever since I came back from Texas last year, it has felt like I have had to squeeze my feet into shoes that fit when I was 12 and have had to walk on eggshells at the same time. I was going to go crazy and take someone with me. I love them, but I really can’t live with them. I do regret leaving my husband and son… especially since it is my son’s senior year. But I plan to fly back for his graduation and departure for the Air Force in May. The good news is that they will be coming out to visit me at Christmas and Spring Break… I am already looking forward to that.
The drive out was an interesting test of endurance… covering nearly 500 miles on 3 of the 4 days and almost 600 on one of them. This was with my hip bursitis deciding to really flare up and be lots of fun. So after the first days, I just slowed down and took more breaks, even to the point that my 577 mile day between Gillette, Wyoming and Missoula, Montana was almost the easiest of the 4.
Driving across country like that brought back distant memories of a family vacation to points as far west as Yellowstone when I was maybe 6 or 7. It also gave me a lot of quiet time to just go with the flow and let my mind wander. I also saw some interesting things just from the interstate and beautiful things too. I-90 isn’t quite your average interstate going through the Rockies…. it is amazingly beautiful.
Northern MO on I-29 was pretty boring… I had lunch in St Joseph and took off. I was kind of surprised by some big hills up there, though. IIRC, I crossed over into Iowa about 1330 on day one… about the most interesting thing in Iowa was a sign for “Stoner Drug”... apparently it’s a small chain of drug stores in NW Missouri and Iowa. I’m not sure I’d want to buy my drugs from a stoner. I slipped into South Dakota few hours later without even noticing… until I saw that the mile markers had changed. I stopped for the night in Sioux Falls SD.
So, most of Wednesday was spent in South Dakota. I have to say that South Dakota is proud of a few big things… Wall Drug!!!... or at least the owners of the place want you to know all about it, over and over and over and over… I didn’t stop there in protest, but then wished I had since SD decided to close both of the last rest stops in the state. They also are big on Mt Rushmore… and a little bit big on Sturgis and Laura Ingalls Wilder. I REALLY wanted to go to DeSmet to see the Laura Ingalls Wilder stuff, but due to time constraints, I really didn’t have the time to do a 55 mile side jaunt EACH WAY. Why Pa had to settle so far from the interstate is beyond me. South Dakota was truly high plains and I think I saw some sloughs like L.I.W. mentions in her books. The west side of the state had also been hit with blizzards and snow accumulations of 3-4 feet the previous Friday (4th October), so I got to see dead cows by the side of the interstate… creepy. But you could still see where the snow had drifted over the fences and the cows had just walked right on over… you could also see where the drifts had been across the highway but had the middle of the drift plowed away. My relief stop finally came once I got into Wyoming at their beautiful welcome center, which I think was placed strategically for scenic impact. They were lovely folks and gave me a place to finally stretch and empty my tanks. That night ended in Gillette, Wyoming… a little town of no consequence, so far as I could see. Natives would prolly disagree, but what I saw just passing through wasn’t particularly impressive.
Thursday was Wyoming/Montana day… my longest with a drive of nearly 600 miles. Since the bursitis in my hips had really been bothering me (as in shooting pains down my legs), I was determined to stop as much as I needed to and take my time. It was, ironically, my easiest day’s driving. Just the beauty of the Rockies made me just want to stop and take pictures about every 2-3 miles, but I kept on trucking until I made it safely to Missoula, Montana… which is apparently the Columbia/Austin of Montana. Funny that… you don’t picture a liberal/crunchy/funky place in Montana.
Friday started in Missoula and ended in Seattle at long last. I was ready to be off the road by the time I got here… oy. The changing of scenery and climates crossing Washington was fascinating… there were at times: Texas scrub, South Dakota plains, Arizona desert, more mountains, Missouri farmland… and it goes rather quickly from one to the next as you buzz by. Really interesting state… of course I’m living in the rain forest on the west side of the Cascades… and I’m okay with that.
I stopped by the apartment complex where I will be living and got some needed information and then trucked up to James & Liz’ place… fed the cats and got settled in a little, then collapsed, exhausted and muddy in the guest bed… well, maybe not muddy, but exhausted.
Today I took my dry run down to the bus station so I know where I’m going in the morning. I have Maxine’s back seat unloaded… impressive pile of stuff Markle got in there. The trunk will not be unloaded until I get into my apartment next week. I have my clothes laid out for morning. I will miss my afternoon nap. I think I'm going to prepack my lunch, so I can just grab it and go in the morning. I did buy myself a lunch box and containers for it for work at IKEA… it was a good thing I went or else I’d have been lost for what to eat. I also got groceries.
But that is the synopsis of my great Seattle or Bust trek...
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Winding it down here...
I have a lot of emotions rolling around right now, the problem is they are harder to tease out individually because they are so tangled up. It's kind of like a disco ball, I catch glimpses of one and then another but can't catch a firm hold on any of them. It creates a sort of uncomfortable sense of not feeling and one emotion in depth, while feeling everything a little bit. It allows me a calm veneer over a surreal internal shallowness.
I feel very deeply about this whole move, but feel unable to express it. I guess it is helpful because I am able to get things done for the move efficiently without getting mired down in the emotional swamp. I am sure I will cry once I'm on the road, but right now I jut can't go there.
I can't believe that I'm down to less than a week. The physical signs of the move are there, but not a lot looks hugely different at this point. Having the dumpster was something and getting rid of ... 1.8 tons of crap... yes nearly 2 tons... was amazing. Yesterday we hauled off boxes of books to Half Price Books in Independence. Today I got all my favorite bedding into a space bag and the air sucked out of it.
Tomorrow will bring more wind down stuff... putting clothes into space bags. I have my bag packed for Archon mostly, and the one that will get me across the country. I need some provisions for the drive. I also will be getting Maxine her final maintenance and new tires. I also have her title and lien release certification.
I think I'm pretty much ready to get packed up and head out next Tuesday...
I feel very deeply about this whole move, but feel unable to express it. I guess it is helpful because I am able to get things done for the move efficiently without getting mired down in the emotional swamp. I am sure I will cry once I'm on the road, but right now I jut can't go there.
I can't believe that I'm down to less than a week. The physical signs of the move are there, but not a lot looks hugely different at this point. Having the dumpster was something and getting rid of ... 1.8 tons of crap... yes nearly 2 tons... was amazing. Yesterday we hauled off boxes of books to Half Price Books in Independence. Today I got all my favorite bedding into a space bag and the air sucked out of it.
Tomorrow will bring more wind down stuff... putting clothes into space bags. I have my bag packed for Archon mostly, and the one that will get me across the country. I need some provisions for the drive. I also will be getting Maxine her final maintenance and new tires. I also have her title and lien release certification.
I think I'm pretty much ready to get packed up and head out next Tuesday...
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Why...
Got my paperwork almost completely together for my first day of work... on October 14th. My hire letter and temporary practice license for Washington State are now in my hands, as is my ORCA (mass transit) card and just other little stuff. I guess you could say that I prefer to be prepared.
It's been weird adjusting to knowing that I'm NOT going to be here in 3 weeks, as a matter of fact, I will be in Missoula, Montana 3 weeks from tonight... arriving in Seattle the next afternoon, on my birthday.
I am getting a new job for my birthday... and a whole new life. In case it's not clear why I am making this change... I can honestly say that the reasons are many. I will miss many things, and not miss many others. It's a very mixed emotional bag right now for me. I have so many great friends that I want to miniaturize and pack in a box, then embiggen when I get there... but sadly a radical change is an equally radical thing.
In so many ways, I have gotten tired of the rut I feel like I have been in for many years. The mobilization with the Army to Texas woke something adventurous up in my soul, and a sense of freedom and independence, that was quashed when I got home... not by any person or anything in particular... more just by the natural circumstance of being expecting to step back into the exact role & slot that I filled before I left and changed. Not sure what I grew in TX... be it wings, stature, or both... but enough of me changed that going back to who I was before really became impossible.
The mobilization to Texas was really a profound experience for me. I had the time to build confidence in myself as a person. I found that I like me, quite a bit, and I like a challenge... and I had a year of them and met them head on. The Army isn't perfect, but has overall been very good to me. Then I came home to take on the XO position in my unit... again a challenge. I wouldn't seek these challenges if I didn't want them. And though I love my job at Callaway County in every way except the pay, it was a small box to try to fit myself back into... I have the best coworkers... the best boss... the best in so many ways... but it is time to move on.
I am also moving because of the weather, the extreme cold and extreme heat of the midwest has finally gotten too much for me. I have become a runner... and I love running outside, but the weather here limits me to a very small part of the year... the snippets of the now-nearly-nonexistent spring and fall that we experience and the few cool breaks we have in the rest of the year. I've never been a fan of the heat and humidity, but have always accepted it as part of life... but ever since I had that heat injury in 2007 on Hoover Dam, I have to be extra careful and certainly do not run if it's much over 70 degrees F. I'd rather run at 17 deg F... I've done it... with proper clothes, it really isn't as brutal as it sounds once you get going.
Politics is also driving me out of Missouri. The Missouri I grew up in was sensibly conservative with a very small "c". People made change when needed and not when it wasn't. At least that was my recollection. Mind you, I grew up in suburban St. Louis, the daughter of a union shop steward. So I was raised to understand the value of the tax dollar, but also that the little guys had to stick together to protect themselves from most companies... not all, but most. I was also taught that it was important to vote and stand up for what you believe in. Honestly, I am tired of working for peanuts, accepting with gratitude, a couple more nuts each year. I am excited about joining a union in my new job... I am proud of that. I wish Pop was still alive so I could tell him about it. The political turn to the stupid that Missouri has taken scares the hell out of me, honestly. Mark and I held on for a long time, not wanting to be beaten or to let the stupid win. We are finally waving the white flag and running like hell.
Of the things that I will miss in Missouri... the land. Maramec Springs is my heart, I go there about once a year just to fill my soul's battery. Columbia... the best big little town ever. It has been my home for 20 years, it is where we have raised our kids, but it is also a crucible. I have had the extra shit burned away and an essential truth remains in my soul... it's time to move on. Despite my love of the parks, the trails, the parks and so much of Missouri, it is time to move on... time to seek new vistas and adventures.
I will so miss my friends. I have managed to collect the best friends ever... walking with Jas, going shopping with Kimberly, doing fiber festivals with Renee, running with Kayla... and everyone else. And my coworkers who are extended family to me... damn guys, I have to break in a new batch... I wonder if they will appreciate the singing nurse in Seattle too?!
Then there is the mix of trepidation and excitement about my new job. I am sure I will do great, but there is always the little niggling doubt that fears I won't make it past my probationary 6 months and will have to crawl back to Missouri in disgrace. So for all the self confidence, there is always that little voice... and why it's there after excelling in a new field of nursing for a year with the Army at Ft Hood... even earning an Army Commendation Medal. It's just daunting to feel like I'm going from the Fulton, MO Little Leagues to the St. Louis Cardinals in one swell foop. But I will be one member of a team... a team that I have already been welcomed to... so the caseload may be 10 times what I'm used to, but I will have amazing resources that I've not had here, and I won't be alone. So I really do feel like I'm leaving home to go home.
The trip up to Portland & Seattle in April was wonderful. I really liked the people and the place, it felt good. It felt right... and this whole job process has felt so "meant". The skeptical side of me wants to "poo poo" it, but it's just gone with amazing ease... which of course makes me look for the other shoe... but I think the other shoe must have been the other job I applied for in Oregon. Everything for the Seattle job has been downright slick, whereas the Oregon job has been just glitched. It's funny but Mark and I both felt like Oregon was gonna be it... but Seattle said, "Ummmm NO! You are coming HERE!" It's like the Oregon job made me look at the possibilities but I was supposed to get the Seattle job. Even the nursing license process reflects this... my fingerprints have been twice rejected by Oregon, while they seem to be fine so far in Washington, and the latter will grant you a temp license while the background check is completed. So I can go up there and get everything squared away. Not that I'm worried since the Army gave me a clearance and my worst infraction was a speeding ticket in 2009 in Jefferson City... so yeah, I'm a dangerous criminal there.
I am getting a new job for my birthday... and a whole new life. In case it's not clear why I am making this change... I can honestly say that the reasons are many. I will miss many things, and not miss many others. It's a very mixed emotional bag right now for me. I have so many great friends that I want to miniaturize and pack in a box, then embiggen when I get there... but sadly a radical change is an equally radical thing.
In so many ways, I have gotten tired of the rut I feel like I have been in for many years. The mobilization with the Army to Texas woke something adventurous up in my soul, and a sense of freedom and independence, that was quashed when I got home... not by any person or anything in particular... more just by the natural circumstance of being expecting to step back into the exact role & slot that I filled before I left and changed. Not sure what I grew in TX... be it wings, stature, or both... but enough of me changed that going back to who I was before really became impossible.
The mobilization to Texas was really a profound experience for me. I had the time to build confidence in myself as a person. I found that I like me, quite a bit, and I like a challenge... and I had a year of them and met them head on. The Army isn't perfect, but has overall been very good to me. Then I came home to take on the XO position in my unit... again a challenge. I wouldn't seek these challenges if I didn't want them. And though I love my job at Callaway County in every way except the pay, it was a small box to try to fit myself back into... I have the best coworkers... the best boss... the best in so many ways... but it is time to move on.
I am also moving because of the weather, the extreme cold and extreme heat of the midwest has finally gotten too much for me. I have become a runner... and I love running outside, but the weather here limits me to a very small part of the year... the snippets of the now-nearly-nonexistent spring and fall that we experience and the few cool breaks we have in the rest of the year. I've never been a fan of the heat and humidity, but have always accepted it as part of life... but ever since I had that heat injury in 2007 on Hoover Dam, I have to be extra careful and certainly do not run if it's much over 70 degrees F. I'd rather run at 17 deg F... I've done it... with proper clothes, it really isn't as brutal as it sounds once you get going.
Politics is also driving me out of Missouri. The Missouri I grew up in was sensibly conservative with a very small "c". People made change when needed and not when it wasn't. At least that was my recollection. Mind you, I grew up in suburban St. Louis, the daughter of a union shop steward. So I was raised to understand the value of the tax dollar, but also that the little guys had to stick together to protect themselves from most companies... not all, but most. I was also taught that it was important to vote and stand up for what you believe in. Honestly, I am tired of working for peanuts, accepting with gratitude, a couple more nuts each year. I am excited about joining a union in my new job... I am proud of that. I wish Pop was still alive so I could tell him about it. The political turn to the stupid that Missouri has taken scares the hell out of me, honestly. Mark and I held on for a long time, not wanting to be beaten or to let the stupid win. We are finally waving the white flag and running like hell.
Of the things that I will miss in Missouri... the land. Maramec Springs is my heart, I go there about once a year just to fill my soul's battery. Columbia... the best big little town ever. It has been my home for 20 years, it is where we have raised our kids, but it is also a crucible. I have had the extra shit burned away and an essential truth remains in my soul... it's time to move on. Despite my love of the parks, the trails, the parks and so much of Missouri, it is time to move on... time to seek new vistas and adventures.
I will so miss my friends. I have managed to collect the best friends ever... walking with Jas, going shopping with Kimberly, doing fiber festivals with Renee, running with Kayla... and everyone else. And my coworkers who are extended family to me... damn guys, I have to break in a new batch... I wonder if they will appreciate the singing nurse in Seattle too?!
Then there is the mix of trepidation and excitement about my new job. I am sure I will do great, but there is always the little niggling doubt that fears I won't make it past my probationary 6 months and will have to crawl back to Missouri in disgrace. So for all the self confidence, there is always that little voice... and why it's there after excelling in a new field of nursing for a year with the Army at Ft Hood... even earning an Army Commendation Medal. It's just daunting to feel like I'm going from the Fulton, MO Little Leagues to the St. Louis Cardinals in one swell foop. But I will be one member of a team... a team that I have already been welcomed to... so the caseload may be 10 times what I'm used to, but I will have amazing resources that I've not had here, and I won't be alone. So I really do feel like I'm leaving home to go home.
The trip up to Portland & Seattle in April was wonderful. I really liked the people and the place, it felt good. It felt right... and this whole job process has felt so "meant". The skeptical side of me wants to "poo poo" it, but it's just gone with amazing ease... which of course makes me look for the other shoe... but I think the other shoe must have been the other job I applied for in Oregon. Everything for the Seattle job has been downright slick, whereas the Oregon job has been just glitched. It's funny but Mark and I both felt like Oregon was gonna be it... but Seattle said, "Ummmm NO! You are coming HERE!" It's like the Oregon job made me look at the possibilities but I was supposed to get the Seattle job. Even the nursing license process reflects this... my fingerprints have been twice rejected by Oregon, while they seem to be fine so far in Washington, and the latter will grant you a temp license while the background check is completed. So I can go up there and get everything squared away. Not that I'm worried since the Army gave me a clearance and my worst infraction was a speeding ticket in 2009 in Jefferson City... so yeah, I'm a dangerous criminal there.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The power of good-bye...
Sometimes, life forces you to cut your losses and go.
Sometimes there are people in your life that you love, but you just have to stop helping and giving everything to and let them go off on their own path because you know that they will never grow or progress if you don't.
Sometimes there are people in your life who have hurt you so deeply that only time and space, of indeterminate amounts, will allow you to heal enough to start rebuilding a relationship.
Sometimes you really get to a place beyond blame, to a place of resolve in which you know what you need to do... no matter how hard.
There comes a point in parenting where you just have to let go, and hope the scraping of the butt in the gravel isn't too hard.
There are some voids that can only be filled by the hard lessons in life, not by anything given to you, wheedled out of others, or by blaming others. They can only be filled from within.
Sometimes the truest love you can show another is by being true to yourself.
Letting paths diverge in love.
Sometimes there are people in your life that you love, but you just have to stop helping and giving everything to and let them go off on their own path because you know that they will never grow or progress if you don't.
Sometimes there are people in your life who have hurt you so deeply that only time and space, of indeterminate amounts, will allow you to heal enough to start rebuilding a relationship.
Sometimes you really get to a place beyond blame, to a place of resolve in which you know what you need to do... no matter how hard.
There comes a point in parenting where you just have to let go, and hope the scraping of the butt in the gravel isn't too hard.
There are some voids that can only be filled by the hard lessons in life, not by anything given to you, wheedled out of others, or by blaming others. They can only be filled from within.
Sometimes the truest love you can show another is by being true to yourself.
Letting paths diverge in love.
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