two and a half years of post morteming...

It's been an interesting week. I have finally put the bulk of the King Co. experience behind me. I think spending the weekend with Susan, who was there with me and pretty much is the only person who knows and understands completely how bad it really was. That much validation helps alleviate the insidious effects of the personally targeted gaslighting that they practiced with almost surgical precision. I have long had a habit of post mortem-ing events that go wrong to try and have a good understanding of what went wrong, and what I can learn about it. I have spent far too much time over the last 2.5 years in post-mortem mode... and the only thing is that it really was personal, it is the only thing that even makes sense.  Especially considering that I went into that opportunity with a solid 7 year run and an Army Commendation Medal for my year in Texas. For the first time in my life, I don't think I made any glaring mistakes apart from simply being myself. And if there is one thing that I have learned about myself, trying to change to fit in with others doesn't work... I did try to conform... and it didn't work, yet again... Funny that. "It wasn't me, it was them." So this week has had several unasked for affirmations of my value to people who DO count in my life. It also made it easier for me to cut loose some ties that I was maintaining out of (what I thought was) mutual respect and affection... which were apparently not the case, as I found out via a backdoor source. It's sad but I do not deserve to have so-called friends 2K miles away gossiping away behind my back. So the unfriending shears came out. They don't have anything to gossip about, if they even notice. I could be hurt, but there really isn't a reason, just let it go. We had known diffs, but again, "it isn't me, it's them." As I get older, I am getting feisty... and my deep seated anger is coming out. It's not uncontrolled, but is being carefully channeled... and I am using it to establish myself in the world. I have spent most of my life sitting down and shutting up. Honestly I am sick of it. I am pretty much single handedly supporting my family plus some other folks, I joined the Army as an officer and had  great run with that as well. It also got me to where I am now, as did the King Co disaster. I am glad to be where I am now, and I think the rough journey has made success now even sweeter.