Waiting for Ferguson

The killing of a teenaged boy is not a flap-a-doodle A community being outraged over a pattern of disproportionate arrests, fines, etc for one race isn't playing the race card, especially after years of the same behavior. Blaming the victims of a situation for their reactions only serves to minimize and obfuscate the root cause. A statement of how someone different than you views or deals with the world is not rhetoric, it is you showing a stunning lack of respect for that person and a great deal of arrogance about your own position.

Depression, PTSD, Apathy and rediscovering my intrinsic value as a human being

It’s been over a year now since I was fired from King County, but the sequelae of that experience is taking a long time to heal. Honestly I am healing, but the process is slow… much slower than I would like it to be. It was a devastating 3 ½ months, so much so that I am still trying to root out the messages that were driven deep into my psyche. She’s “Not good enough”, “not perfect enough”, “doesn’t ‘get it’”, “doesn’t fit in”, “untrainable”, etc. were pretty much the spoken and unspoken refrain… to use an Army term, I pretty much got the message that I was a “soup sandwich” over and over.  Perhaps the experience would not have established such deep roots had not been at such a vulnerable transition in my life.  I went to Seattle full of confidence, but missing my support system dreadfully…. heck, I’d done this with my mobilization to Texas with the Army, why would this be any different? I could do this… but I didn’t have the familiarity and support of my Army unit… so it was different.  No number of video chats, phone calls, or other virtual contacts could make up for the lack of that support system.

Mark moved out in February, soon after my being spit out of King County. We have discussed whether his presence would have made any difference during my short tenure, and we really don’t think it would have. Their apparent prejudice against me started quite early on, within 3-4 weeks, my gut knew something was off.

So the last year has been a rebuilding effort, very slow, sometimes 3 steps forward-4 steps back, but forward overall.  It has led a re-evaluation of my self-worth, my capabilities, and a slow schlog out of depression, doubt, anxiety.  Fall down seven times, stand up eight has been kind of where I have had to live while the ground has shifted repeatedly under my unsteady feet. There have also been roadblocks… unexpected, sudden, and devastating.  So I have had to re-evaluate my reasons for moving to the Pacific NW at all… looking back with both longing and a strong sense of having made the right move.

Starting slowly to regain confidence began with the temporary gig with the Highline Schools in an LPN role.  I am eternally grateful to everyone there for their acceptance, friendship, and support during that period of time. It was a great experience during which I learned a lot and regained a good deal of confidence and trust. It was nice to have the expectation of competence back. I really did love working with the kids, too. It was the bridge that I needed to get started on the road to a new sense of self.

The next step was spending 3 weeks at Ft Knox KY for my summer Army training. I was there mostly alone but did get to meet up with some friends from my old unit. I was pretty much embedded with another unit entirely and did quite well with them, building my confidence even more. Before leaving for Kentucky, I had interviewed for several positions and while I was there, I interviewed for a Case Management position for the Portland VA. So in addition to my confidence rebuilding, things were definitely looking up.

We decided to make the switch to Portland and found an apartment. On the way back from getting the apartment, I got a call with the tentative offer from the VA… I was over the moon.  So I called all the places that were pending and withdrew my applications from them… then the VA withdrew the job offer… which had something to do with their inability to credential me.  I was crushed and a lot of my confidence bled out with that. I still don’t know what happened and I chose not to find out.  However, I had no choice but to start the whole job search merry go round again.

Very soon, I was in the running for 5 jobs and had a crazy week of interviews and second interviews.  I finally came down to two jobs in Vancouver, at the Vancouver Clinic and at a small insurance company called Columbia United Providers. Exactly one month after I applied, I started at CUP. This company has been a blessing. I am totally in the right place for me. I fit, I am accepted and I feel good about the work that I’m doing.

But I am still working off the reflexes caused by PTSD. If called for a meeting to look over a mistake, my gut clenches up with no reason-but that reflex exists. I hate this, I want this to end, but it’s a careful pruning process, one nerve at a time. Is there a type of RoundUp for emotional scar tissue?

The deepest thing I am fighting now is trying to lose the weight that I have put on in the last 13 months... I have a deep seated apathy.  I just don't give a flying rat's rear end because I had my lack of self worth drilled in so deeply.  So I eat to feel something.  Doing what I want to do is my own way of having control, of feeling like I have a say in my situation.  It's not healthy, but now I have to get myself back to feeling like I have a level of self worth that merits self control.