When rose-colored glasses lose their bloom

I'm in a strange limbo right now.  I have amazing news I want to share with the world, but can't until everything is officially official... and after the false start with the VA offer last year, I'm a little gun shy.  

So I'm sitting with a job offer contingent  upon passing the background checks and urine test. I know I have nothing to worry about, as far as I know.... but there is always the niggling worry that I missed something.  But all the information I gave was given in good faith and as completely as I could do.  But "VA debacle" echoes in my mind... with the caveat that the VA digs a helluva lot deeper than most usual jobs who call and verify dates of employment... or just rejected me due to a box mis-checked somewhere. I chose to not find out, it was just too much last year.

Overall I've been really happy at CUP, but when things went south,  they did so with a vengeance... I've been accused (directly & indirectly) of procrastination, bad time management, too much chatting... basically being blamed for all that is wrong in this work situation...  I'm not blameless, because no one ever is... but management has set this system up for failure.

Let's set the stage a bit: a small (mostly)  managed Medicaid company trying to really become a player in a bigger market and is expanding lines of business rapidly including trying to become an early adopter for behavioral health integration... which will have to be done now or later. However, the push for this has led to the neglect of existing programs and personnel, most of which are state-audited. The program that I work, Health Homes, was pretty much seen as "flavor of the month"  for most of the first year, but has since become the premier model for care management as far as the state is concerned.

The next piece is that the State of Washington has no single documentation system for the program, thus leaving it up to each Health Homes lead agency to come up with their own system as long as they can meet requirements. Enter in my company: we were under one company in 2013-14 and then switched to another in 2015. They knew this was happening and assured us that the switch in  systems should be smooth and no data would be lost. Can you say "famous last words"? Sure, knew you could...  Anyway, the rollout went worse than anyone could have imagined... We just got full access to everything we need a few weeks ago... Member services just got their access for making appointments in May... We didn't get all existing member lists completely loaded until early April... We still haven't gotten old charting imported... Mind you, my compatriot was asking questions in every meeting about many of the problems that have come to pass...

Add in the fact that we have lost 2 people working the program, one of whom was full time and the other who is sure that her preterm labor was from the stress.  Also, include that my job entails all the  utilization review, several call attempts monthly, hospital visits, follow up calls for transition, calls to doctors for members, concurrent review when hospitalized, intake of new members, crisis  &  general calls, and quarterly face to face visits... For nearly 70 members. I'm finding out that at most health insurance companies, these jobs are split out over a team...

So, this is what we have been scrambling to deal with since the beginning of the year.  We have had periodic moments of "get this done now" and "Help this other group! They are swamped!" while being told not to worry about health homes... Until the last few weeks with the state audit coming up.

So now they are freaking out and denying time off, stating that it's due to people not being caught up... funny that the audit is coming up and management had the reporting requirements in hand on 25 May. But we paeans didn't get the  directions & our directives until June 11th (Thursday) to be completed by June 15th (Monday). By placing the blame on non-management, they are trying to deny their own culpability.

I just see a lot of planning for the next big expansion and not a lot of routine maintenance type activities. There has pretty much been little or no support from management for the program I have been working. My fellow coworkers are amazing.... they are what makes working there worthwhile... and I love my clients and the work that I'm doing.  I feel like I'm making a difference.

But, things have started going south, as previously mentioned, but I am determined to not go down the same road as I did with King Co. This hasn't even gotten close to that bad, but I have been paying close attention to my gut and the situation was irretrievably broken when our amazing admin let my compatriot and I know that she'd been told to only communicate with us via e-mail since her coming over to talk to us would "distract us" from our work.  That level of BS was intolerable, considering I'd spent the greater part of the previous 2 months working through lunches and spending several hours, sometimes up to half the day, usually three days weekly, out of the office on member visits for follow up or new patient assessments. It just pissed me off.  It's hard to get all your work done when you aren't in the office to get it done.  

So, I had my interview for the new gig on Tuesday, I went out feeling like there was a good rapport, but it was short... and I kept thinking about what I should have said, asked, etc. It was a first round interview, I was just hoping it went well enough to get to the 2nd round.  It was interesting, though, since they were all taking careful notes about exactly when I was going to be in Kentucky and when I might want to start. I thought it was a little unusual for a first round interview, but let it be what it was. The next morning, just 25 hours 45 minutes after I left the interview, I got a call and was offered the job at a substantial pay increase. I accepted it straight away and admitted I was a little stunned and she said that they usually don't move so quickly, but they also super impressed with me and didn't want me to get away.  My start date is the Monday, 20 July after I get back from Kentucky. 

Giving notice will be interesting. I don't want to give notice until I have the officially official word, which should be Tuesday or Wednesday this week.  It will be a fitting revenge for my massively passive aggressive supervisor, who has been described by another coworker with Katy Perry's help.

I have also kept myself from Unravelling ala Deb Talan:

The other song in my head is:

 

Another good one is:

Waiting for Ferguson

The killing of a teenaged boy is not a flap-a-doodle A community being outraged over a pattern of disproportionate arrests, fines, etc for one race isn't playing the race card, especially after years of the same behavior. Blaming the victims of a situation for their reactions only serves to minimize and obfuscate the root cause. A statement of how someone different than you views or deals with the world is not rhetoric, it is you showing a stunning lack of respect for that person and a great deal of arrogance about your own position.

Depression, PTSD, Apathy and rediscovering my intrinsic value as a human being

It’s been over a year now since I was fired from King County, but the sequelae of that experience is taking a long time to heal. Honestly I am healing, but the process is slow… much slower than I would like it to be. It was a devastating 3 ½ months, so much so that I am still trying to root out the messages that were driven deep into my psyche. She’s “Not good enough”, “not perfect enough”, “doesn’t ‘get it’”, “doesn’t fit in”, “untrainable”, etc. were pretty much the spoken and unspoken refrain… to use an Army term, I pretty much got the message that I was a “soup sandwich” over and over.  Perhaps the experience would not have established such deep roots had not been at such a vulnerable transition in my life.  I went to Seattle full of confidence, but missing my support system dreadfully…. heck, I’d done this with my mobilization to Texas with the Army, why would this be any different? I could do this… but I didn’t have the familiarity and support of my Army unit… so it was different.  No number of video chats, phone calls, or other virtual contacts could make up for the lack of that support system.

Mark moved out in February, soon after my being spit out of King County. We have discussed whether his presence would have made any difference during my short tenure, and we really don’t think it would have. Their apparent prejudice against me started quite early on, within 3-4 weeks, my gut knew something was off.

So the last year has been a rebuilding effort, very slow, sometimes 3 steps forward-4 steps back, but forward overall.  It has led a re-evaluation of my self-worth, my capabilities, and a slow schlog out of depression, doubt, anxiety.  Fall down seven times, stand up eight has been kind of where I have had to live while the ground has shifted repeatedly under my unsteady feet. There have also been roadblocks… unexpected, sudden, and devastating.  So I have had to re-evaluate my reasons for moving to the Pacific NW at all… looking back with both longing and a strong sense of having made the right move.

Starting slowly to regain confidence began with the temporary gig with the Highline Schools in an LPN role.  I am eternally grateful to everyone there for their acceptance, friendship, and support during that period of time. It was a great experience during which I learned a lot and regained a good deal of confidence and trust. It was nice to have the expectation of competence back. I really did love working with the kids, too. It was the bridge that I needed to get started on the road to a new sense of self.

The next step was spending 3 weeks at Ft Knox KY for my summer Army training. I was there mostly alone but did get to meet up with some friends from my old unit. I was pretty much embedded with another unit entirely and did quite well with them, building my confidence even more. Before leaving for Kentucky, I had interviewed for several positions and while I was there, I interviewed for a Case Management position for the Portland VA. So in addition to my confidence rebuilding, things were definitely looking up.

We decided to make the switch to Portland and found an apartment. On the way back from getting the apartment, I got a call with the tentative offer from the VA… I was over the moon.  So I called all the places that were pending and withdrew my applications from them… then the VA withdrew the job offer… which had something to do with their inability to credential me.  I was crushed and a lot of my confidence bled out with that. I still don’t know what happened and I chose not to find out.  However, I had no choice but to start the whole job search merry go round again.

Very soon, I was in the running for 5 jobs and had a crazy week of interviews and second interviews.  I finally came down to two jobs in Vancouver, at the Vancouver Clinic and at a small insurance company called Columbia United Providers. Exactly one month after I applied, I started at CUP. This company has been a blessing. I am totally in the right place for me. I fit, I am accepted and I feel good about the work that I’m doing.

But I am still working off the reflexes caused by PTSD. If called for a meeting to look over a mistake, my gut clenches up with no reason-but that reflex exists. I hate this, I want this to end, but it’s a careful pruning process, one nerve at a time. Is there a type of RoundUp for emotional scar tissue?

The deepest thing I am fighting now is trying to lose the weight that I have put on in the last 13 months... I have a deep seated apathy.  I just don't give a flying rat's rear end because I had my lack of self worth drilled in so deeply.  So I eat to feel something.  Doing what I want to do is my own way of having control, of feeling like I have a say in my situation.  It's not healthy, but now I have to get myself back to feeling like I have a level of self worth that merits self control.